road to recovery day 2

i woke up promptly with a sense of direction and purpose.  It is 9:36 a.m. and my bed is made, my room is tidy, the dog has been fed and basking in the morning heat.  The first load of laundry and dishes are going.  Eventhough, I had enough time to get to my 9am spin or step class, I am choosing to go run/walk at Little Mulberry Park.  I feel a sense of relief of guilt and a newfound purpose.  I just need to do this.  The AGAIN part is irrelevant today.  I choose the park because it has always been a companion to my innermost thoughts and confessions.

It seems like it will be a substantially hot day and I am starting early enough to get many tasks accomplished.  The first... my workout.  Then my diet, followed by my domestic duties and finally my employment duties which have been comprised by technical issues since Thursday.

I love myself today. I will enjoy my cousins' day of graduation from Georgia State and family party, despite my fears and self accusations.

Enjoy your day! day 2

road to recovery... AGAIN

YEAH!!! As much as i hate to admit it and my ego hurts with my failure.  I had to face my pain and worthlessness and realize I have to make a choice. Yet again. Do I give up? or do I face the truth and make a decision whether this is going to stop me or encourage me to get back on track.  I honestly do not want to be one of those who tries "diet" after "diet" looking for the next trick to lose weight.  I have only done this battle once and did great for one year then.... lost it.  I totally lost it. My superhuman mentality.  My powers. My focus. I lost the commitment, the dedication and strength to uphold my beliefs of a healthy way of living. 

I admitted to my brother today, one of my biggest fears.  I actually do not want to go to a family function tomorrow because I do not want to see some family members that I havent seen in a year... when I was SUPERHUMAN.  When I was beast.  I literally dont want to not notice the disapproving mumbles, OMG, and other suprising reactions which will be totally hidden but so obvious to all.

I dont want to admit that I failed.  So what do I do? Let this failure hold me or push me?  I am so upset that I allowed this to happen. I have that same "screw it" attitude that got me into this hell hole in the first place. Ah, screw it! I will eat fast food.  "Ah, screw it", one more cookie.  Ah, screw it, i will go to the gym tomorrow.  That attitude is what is the difference between those who talk about, those who complain about it and those who ACTUALLY do something about it. 

I had an unbreakable commitment for  a long time.  Was it a bit on the obsessive side? Heck yeah! It is all the mental ability to stay focused or loose interest and entertain other ambitions that get you side tracked.  I had a selfcentered obsessive dedication to my wellbeing and I let it go.

I just realized the reasoning behind me visiting another gym this week--- in my self reasoning that "maybe a gym next door to my job in Buford".  May assist me to go early to gym, then work, or after work gym sessions instead of the temptation to talk myself out of the gym once I arrived at home.  I just realized it had nothing to do with this ridiculous reasoning.  It is because I don't want the people who have seen me in the past year and half to see that I am fat. Again.

Wow! that was cathartic.  It is amazing, how our mind can play the role of accuser or forgiver.  We can talk ourselves out of any conclusion, if we do NOT have our mind and heart set on the same objective. First it must be the will and then it must be the mindset.  From experience this ONLY comes from preparation.  I have my bananas for my protein shake tomorrow. 

I have decided to go to a liquid diet this weekend.  Wish me well.  I think if I make simple, small steps.  This will encourage me back to the road of recovery. Instead of thinking I have to lose 30 lbs.  If I just begin again with small, tiny steps- I can do this.  In everything, finance, education, work... we are told small steps, small changes, small accomplishment lead to bigger ones.

I will set this as my weekend goal.  Liquid, protein shake diet for Saturday and Sunday. 

My weight is 203 lbs. today 5-7-11.

not a statistic

There were a lot of reasons that kept me strong, and focused when I started this journey. Many were mantras that I set up to boost my self control. Others were reminders why I wanted this so bad, and yet others were for the sheer incentive of sticking to it when the physical exhuastion wants to tell my mind to quit.

Today I found a new one. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC. I had used this years ago as a teen to guide me through my adolescent whims and temptations. I clearly saw the consequences of many girls and their poor choices of boys and behaviors with those boys that lead them to the be talk of Monday morning. I was fortunately sat alphabetically with a crew of the most popular boys who encircled me while I went unnoticed and uninvolved for two years in highschool. I am not sure why we willingly obliged this while high school, but to our benefit and detriment we did have the smallest high school that I have yet to know.

In my desire to remain unscathed by the rumors and reputation , I clinged to my beliefs and choices as my badge of honor. During my initial weightlooss journey I too kept true to my convictions without waivering. I knew there were eyes watching me. I knew that I would be setting an example for others. But above all I held myself accountable. I gave it my 100%

Today I have found that once again I have to hold myself accountable to my choices whether they are good or bad, and these will determine the outcome. I have been bombarded with guilt as I DO THIS WELL. I look at my body and accuse myself of all the poor choices I made to get back up to 199 lbs. I accuse myself of the failure of regaining half of my weight back. This is failure for me. Unfortunately, this is the expected IF not statistically occurrence of  most.  A fact that I do not want to be a willing participant of.

Today I choose NOT to be a statistic.

I will fight, I will choose, I will OVERCOME. I have done this before, I have been telling myself this recently and it led me to this recent epiphany… I WILL HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN. The only difference is, this time for the LAST TIME. I will have to continue to establish good routines as preplanning my meals and prepacking my lunch. I will have to continue with a set schedule for my exercise and challenge myself in new training regimens.

I did KICK class today and rocked it. I thoroughly enjoyed the class and the instructor. Only one fault was she said something to the effect… “when you are my age”…. Not looking a day older than 24 maybe… that really bothers me. I guess that’s why I enjoy JOAN and go to as many classes based on the instructors rather than the class. I go to late SPIN with STEVE. He must be 55+. Joan is 50, maybe. I admire people who are physically fit at those ages. People who inspire, who can physically take on any 20 year old and teach them a thing or two.

Last night too, at our local bakery shop another smart soul made mention of his selfcontrol with the statement, “ I will only take one bite of this cake and put it away.” Then the kicker…” I didn’t run 4 miles in the rain for blow it away”. My audible response as I was getting my carrot cake delight was.. “I’m foregoing dinner, just to blow it away on carrot cake”. ( He was not a day older than 23). Whatever!.

I was turned on to a great phrase by my son Ryan. Youth is wasted on the young. It is so truth. The vitality of youth, the energy, the spunk is so wasted on the immaturity, lack of tack, and unexperience of the youth. Today at 40, I revel when I don’t have a body ache, and appreciate the ability to have wisdom guide rather than impulse. I mean what I say and say what I mean. I choose my company wisely and rapidly discharge negativity from my life whether in form of decisions or people.

Today I choose NOT TO BE A STATISTIC AGAIN and will fight with all the strength and resolve to win. I am at 200 lbs today and will reclaim my figure and strength back.  I will use this new mantra and sheer determination to gain what I know is mine.  I added my hubby to my gym package and hope.. if not for last saturdays' spaz attack about NOT having common goals wasnt enough to him call me 3 times today to check if i had done it or not.  But his comment... mind you this is the man I often refer to as.... "speaks no evil" and "executes his words with great care".  Today was no different when he said, " I WOULDN'T MIND seeing you back as you did for that wedding last May or your cousin's party with that strapless dress".  Thanks honey,  ITS COMING SOON, COMING SOON

I'm tired

I'm tired. Yep! I'm tired. Not because the week has been longer than usual, no, work has been about the same if not a bit slower.  The kids have been good, survived early release. The abode has seemingly kept organized and clean this week.(thanks honey).  So why am I so tired? The culprit: Exercise. I don't care what you've heard, what you've read.  If you exercise regularly....(at the beginning) you are just plain and honestly just TIRED. I feel that good old-fashioned exhaustion that controlled my post gym hunger pangs. All I want is a shower and my bed. I have been on steady routine for days of alternating SPIN and STEP and I am Pooped.  That burst of energy and the renewed energizing feeling you get.... well its not happening just yet.  I don't know if it was ever energy, but more attitude thing .I remember sharing this very similar story with a man a couple months ago at lunchtime in a  SUBWAY.  We were sharing our stories of losing weight and eating better and he said it plainly.... "its BS, I'm not energized, I'm exhausted".

I am just plain worn out today and unfortunately right now at 11:35pm I am honestly feeling quite hungry. If I could conjure up the strength I would grab a bowl of cereal or something, but my mind is telling me that its just too much effort.

I had planned on doing a 5:45am spin class, but who am I kidding.  The 6pm will have to do tomorrow. My next goal is to start back up with KICK class and get two in for next.  Besides being tired, today has been quite uneventful. Tune in tomorrow for a real post. sorry got to get some sleep...and rest....

row numero dos

Spin was interesting today. I got to SPIN class a couple minutes late and had the entire second row of spin bikes waiting just for me.  Oh wow, lucky me! NOT!  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this row and some of the most faithful gym rats sit there in front of me week in week out, but I really should of gotten here earlier.  After shuffling to adjust the seat, the height, the handlebar, the tension, as if this alone did not make me feel self-conscience, when suddenly I realize that immediately behind me row number 3 is fully occupied. If you ever want to undoubtly step it up a notch-- sit closer to the front.  I does something to you, it pushes you.  One: because your ass is on full display. literally ! Cycle classes are extremely revealing, the postures and climbs make for the veracity of the statement less is better and I mean in the size of your backside not the underwear you're wearing. Unfortunately, you tend to know your class members by their backside more than their faces.(pretty sad, but true, LOL!)  Second: naturally the stationary method of this class makes you feel like you are in the lead throughout and have the others behind you. I can honestly say my cadence was just abit faster and stronger today.  I  ussually sit in row 3 or 4, but today my castigation and benediction came in row numero dos.  Lets do this and if your going to do this, do it well

It was intense as is every SPIN class I attend several times a week.  You must come to terms that you have definately lost some marbles upstairs to willingly sit through 45 minutes of physical torture.  But is it worth it? Well I started with Spin to rebut someone's FB comment of burning 700 calories.  I said what the heck am I going to sit on a boring threadmill when I can have double or triple the results in half or third of the time. I have been hooked ever since. 

Today was no different, but I will admit that I pushed a little harder and rode a little stronger than I have in awhile feeling i had all my fellow spinners right behind me, literally.  Finished class, checked my HR and yep! I SPINNED today! As I approach the communal spray and papertowel clean up area, a newbie asks me, (one of the row 3 crew),  "how long have you been doing this?".  This simple question made it all the more real, that when you are committed you play harder and not only you will feel it but others will notice.  This will inspire you as you inspire others.  As you lead by example, you will recharge your commitment.  You never know who is watching.  You never know who will use you as their inspiration.  So be your best.  She said, " I was looking at you and saying to myself, I can do this".  I told her, "just as I was looking at the ones infront of me and thinking the same". I congratulated her for sticking throughout the whole class because after sticking with spin you have earned the right to gloat that you are so far above the passive threadmillers who uneventfully shared the last hour with you, but not experience.

Her friend inquired about calorie comsumption and other details that I was more than happy to oblige. I conjured up my simplest explanations of the only fail proof method I know that works, the EAT CLEAN DIET (Tosca Reno) and consistency with exercise.  Our conversation continued and I hope to see them again.  Its funny how something so simple as a question, has me in high expectation of my next encounter with this stranger and how this unknowingly obligates me emotionally and physically to stay committed- to the next spin class, to the next time I face those ho ho's in the pantry, and to BEING THE BEST I CAN BE. Committed? you betcha. thanks stranger from row 3.

choices: coffee or green tea

I enjoyed my day.  My day in full control of my thoughts, actions, and choices.  I was well aware that I could of picked up that sausage biscuit from Burger King just a couple yards away.  It would go really well with my two boiled eggs, but i chose to sick to my plan and eat my low sugar oatmeal and my 2 boiled eggs.  I made a choice this afternoon too, or was it my coworker who simply said, "so just get rid of the cup of coffee and drink your tea".  It was just that simple, a simple choice and I did. I was mentioning to her that I USE TO love my afternoon cup of tea with a granola bar. It was a choice and I enjoyed the power to make the choice. I stood up and did just that poured out my cup of coffee and made me a cup of hot tea which I enjoyed with a LIFE bar, 150 cal of sweet delight.  I felt energized and powerful.  I am still on the POWER KICK, can you tell?. Yes, its still about the power. Maybe later it will be about something else, but for today its about the power.

The whole notion of  exuding confidence, attracts me.  The constant cheering you silently hear in your head when you make good choices, when you beat your PR mile, when you made it through STEP class with 2 risers and didn't die.  Eventhough, you really wanted to.  I literally wanted to sit down and cry today.  I literally felt fear that my heart was beating just a tad too quick so shortly after a 4 month lethargy. I literally felt pain in my right knee and butt the whole while, I was reciting, "never give up" to myself hoping noone could here me.  I literally was ashamed to take off my hoodie and expose my sweat drenched t-shirt that was mostly like embarresingly hugging my fuller midsection than the last time I was in this class.  I literally wanted to just leave.  But did not.

The notion of failure or giving up, of sitting it out just DOES NOT attract me.  A challenge is my push, its my motivation, its my inner voice saying- "you can do this".  I have a friend who use NOOC to motivate himself and others and is quite fitting.  NOOC stands for No obstacles, only challenges.  This is how you must face everything. Don't let the hardship, the situations of life deter you to be your best to accomplish your goals, to do ANYTHING YOU DREAM YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH.  Set small goals and accomplish them. Then set more and accomplish them. 

You have two choices in life.  Push or sit it out.  Which one will you do?  Its ONLY UP TO YOU.  I realize I was getting comfortable with saying I USE TO. Well that ends today.  Its NOT what I use to do, but I am doing NOW that counts.  PERIOD.

I have my gym bag ready and my lunchbox packed for tomorrow.  Tomorrow will also be about good choices.  Keep your chin up.  Just do it! Make good choices. :)

HUMAN OR HUMANE

I finally decided to take it by the reigns again... oh! remember the whole weightloss issue thing.  Yeah that!  I have jokingly been saying that I have been on a 6 month haitus, sabbatical if you will.  Well, unfortunately the joke has been on me. I have gained 25+ lbs and a really mean spirit to boot. Most of you would not recognize me during my "spaz attacks" as my family has titled them.  I don't recognize myself actually. 

But I decided it was time.  I have gone through all the excuses that I self imposed in the last months and I can't think of any more.  So here I am left with facing the truth and having to do something about it.  Not that many were not well founded or merit the attention given  as was Ryan's visit in the summer where I finally realized as a parent that you must live and let live or the agonizing 2 months we had to say Goodbye to my grandfather which was not nearly enough or the guilt I burden myself when i musn't. and the first regained 10lbs and then the next 5 lbs and the covert operation to hide those which got me to this predicament of gaining 25+ You realize that I just can't be honest about the actual number.  Its funny how many lies we tell ourselves to comfort, conceal and conquer the moment.

I finally realized two things this weekend. First of all, that I kept using little" 6 month hiatus" line to ease the accusation of neglect or lose of control and commitment.  But wasn't I at this weight before and did I have all this fingers pointing at me and telling me I was fat and a loser?  No.  So why was I judging myself so harshly?  Not one person, thankfully, had come up to me and said..."Oh God, your fat again".  "Oh my, you have gained weight".  Okay, well my mom, did about 2 weeks ago when my big ass was smack infront of her when I was trying to play a DVD and couldnt get it and therefore I guess that there was nothing else to pay attention to than that and she kindly inquired (cough) "Raquel, are you gaining weight?".  Yes siree! Well the rest of my associates, coworkers, and family members have been all to kind to not bring it up to my attention, rather to my detriment.  But the true fact is that nobody notices, if you have gained a couple pounds, what they do notice is your lost of stride, your lack of umpf, your loss of stardom.  Because when you are on a mission, your eyes glisten, you speak with enthusiasm and confidence.  You dress and walk and even put on makeup with a purpose, you rise and shine brightly, but when you lose your focus, you lose your stardom power.  I lost it briefly and am back to reclaim my title.

What did I want to do now? continue to bitch about it or do something?  I have a picture as my background on my laptop which was an attempt at bragging about how many calories I had burned at one of my workouts,  but unbeknowst at the moment, I got an awesome picture of my thin, shapely, muscular legs, tanned and toned.  A picture taken over the summer which was definately made for braggin' rights and I titled it "when I was a superstar".  The title actually came from my daughter a couple weeks ago, i was going through some pictures and she came across one from May at a wedding that Trey and I went too and I was at my prime and she said, "mom, that was when you were a superstar".  A line that has stayed with me.  I like to be a good example. I like to be in control. Oh, lets not lie to ourselves and say that its not about power, because it is.  Its all about the power. I like to have the power to say no to the "nutty butty" I so wanted to eat last night The power of feeling great.  The power of self control. The power of commitment.  The power of being the superstar in your life.

Second: reminds me that we are SOOO human. Yes us. The creatures with such enviable intelligence,  creatures with the indestructible spirit to rise above. Creatures that defy all odds to conquer the unconquerable.  Creatures of passion and goodwill. Creatures made to care, To believe. Yes us, these same creatures, including admittedly myself included that deprecate, belittle, ridicule and gloat at another's loss... or gain...that is. 

I was having some alone with the spousal unit with our oh-too consipicious tag along, Gaby( who talks too much and hears even more). We were sitting at the local DD with our freshly brewed java and some incriminating delicious munchkins when, dear God-can I go anywhere that I musn't see someone from the gym? Thanks, that all I need another reminder of my grotesque inadequacy.  When out of the corner of my eye, I turned to look a little closer.  "Wow, she has gained some weight. "yeah, she has gained alot of weight".  "She always wears tanks at the gym", look at her midsection, she definately gained weight".  I continued to look at her, and repeat a couple more unsolicited observations that were more for my hurt ego than hers.  Then the husband speaks, the man who speaks no evil, simply says, "It happens, its winter".  I don't know if it was his comment or the realization that the comments were more to appease my debacle than her minor infraction.

As humans we must percieve a win, we must taste it, we must revel in it to see the
light at the end of the tunnel.  Its pretty sad when I think about it---because that was not myself thinking or talking, but the method that brought me to realize- that I am NOT the only one who has UPS and DOWNS. I am not the only one who goes through changes. I am not the only who struggles.I am NOT the only human who felt a momentary sense of gratification at the cost of comparison to an unbeknowst innocent party. 

I am human and I will rise up, and I will succeed and I will conquer. Now hear me roar! 
NEVER GIVE UP!