Friday, May 6, 2011

road to recovery... AGAIN

YEAH!!! As much as i hate to admit it and my ego hurts with my failure.  I had to face my pain and worthlessness and realize I have to make a choice. Yet again. Do I give up? or do I face the truth and make a decision whether this is going to stop me or encourage me to get back on track.  I honestly do not want to be one of those who tries "diet" after "diet" looking for the next trick to lose weight.  I have only done this battle once and did great for one year then.... lost it.  I totally lost it. My superhuman mentality.  My powers. My focus. I lost the commitment, the dedication and strength to uphold my beliefs of a healthy way of living. 

I admitted to my brother today, one of my biggest fears.  I actually do not want to go to a family function tomorrow because I do not want to see some family members that I havent seen in a year... when I was SUPERHUMAN.  When I was beast.  I literally dont want to not notice the disapproving mumbles, OMG, and other suprising reactions which will be totally hidden but so obvious to all.

I dont want to admit that I failed.  So what do I do? Let this failure hold me or push me?  I am so upset that I allowed this to happen. I have that same "screw it" attitude that got me into this hell hole in the first place. Ah, screw it! I will eat fast food.  "Ah, screw it", one more cookie.  Ah, screw it, i will go to the gym tomorrow.  That attitude is what is the difference between those who talk about, those who complain about it and those who ACTUALLY do something about it. 

I had an unbreakable commitment for  a long time.  Was it a bit on the obsessive side? Heck yeah! It is all the mental ability to stay focused or loose interest and entertain other ambitions that get you side tracked.  I had a selfcentered obsessive dedication to my wellbeing and I let it go.

I just realized the reasoning behind me visiting another gym this week--- in my self reasoning that "maybe a gym next door to my job in Buford".  May assist me to go early to gym, then work, or after work gym sessions instead of the temptation to talk myself out of the gym once I arrived at home.  I just realized it had nothing to do with this ridiculous reasoning.  It is because I don't want the people who have seen me in the past year and half to see that I am fat. Again.

Wow! that was cathartic.  It is amazing, how our mind can play the role of accuser or forgiver.  We can talk ourselves out of any conclusion, if we do NOT have our mind and heart set on the same objective. First it must be the will and then it must be the mindset.  From experience this ONLY comes from preparation.  I have my bananas for my protein shake tomorrow. 

I have decided to go to a liquid diet this weekend.  Wish me well.  I think if I make simple, small steps.  This will encourage me back to the road of recovery. Instead of thinking I have to lose 30 lbs.  If I just begin again with small, tiny steps- I can do this.  In everything, finance, education, work... we are told small steps, small changes, small accomplishment lead to bigger ones.

I will set this as my weekend goal.  Liquid, protein shake diet for Saturday and Sunday. 

My weight is 203 lbs. today 5-7-11.

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