Monday, January 31, 2011


I finally decided to take it by the reigns again... oh! remember the whole weightloss issue thing.  Yeah that!  I have jokingly been saying that I have been on a 6 month haitus, sabbatical if you will.  Well, unfortunately the joke has been on me. I have gained 25+ lbs and a really mean spirit to boot. Most of you would not recognize me during my "spaz attacks" as my family has titled them.  I don't recognize myself actually. 

But I decided it was time.  I have gone through all the excuses that I self imposed in the last months and I can't think of any more.  So here I am left with facing the truth and having to do something about it.  Not that many were not well founded or merit the attention given  as was Ryan's visit in the summer where I finally realized as a parent that you must live and let live or the agonizing 2 months we had to say Goodbye to my grandfather which was not nearly enough or the guilt I burden myself when i musn't. and the first regained 10lbs and then the next 5 lbs and the covert operation to hide those which got me to this predicament of gaining 25+ You realize that I just can't be honest about the actual number.  Its funny how many lies we tell ourselves to comfort, conceal and conquer the moment.

I finally realized two things this weekend. First of all, that I kept using little" 6 month hiatus" line to ease the accusation of neglect or lose of control and commitment.  But wasn't I at this weight before and did I have all this fingers pointing at me and telling me I was fat and a loser?  No.  So why was I judging myself so harshly?  Not one person, thankfully, had come up to me and said..."Oh God, your fat again".  "Oh my, you have gained weight".  Okay, well my mom, did about 2 weeks ago when my big ass was smack infront of her when I was trying to play a DVD and couldnt get it and therefore I guess that there was nothing else to pay attention to than that and she kindly inquired (cough) "Raquel, are you gaining weight?".  Yes siree! Well the rest of my associates, coworkers, and family members have been all to kind to not bring it up to my attention, rather to my detriment.  But the true fact is that nobody notices, if you have gained a couple pounds, what they do notice is your lost of stride, your lack of umpf, your loss of stardom.  Because when you are on a mission, your eyes glisten, you speak with enthusiasm and confidence.  You dress and walk and even put on makeup with a purpose, you rise and shine brightly, but when you lose your focus, you lose your stardom power.  I lost it briefly and am back to reclaim my title.

What did I want to do now? continue to bitch about it or do something?  I have a picture as my background on my laptop which was an attempt at bragging about how many calories I had burned at one of my workouts,  but unbeknowst at the moment, I got an awesome picture of my thin, shapely, muscular legs, tanned and toned.  A picture taken over the summer which was definately made for braggin' rights and I titled it "when I was a superstar".  The title actually came from my daughter a couple weeks ago, i was going through some pictures and she came across one from May at a wedding that Trey and I went too and I was at my prime and she said, "mom, that was when you were a superstar".  A line that has stayed with me.  I like to be a good example. I like to be in control. Oh, lets not lie to ourselves and say that its not about power, because it is.  Its all about the power. I like to have the power to say no to the "nutty butty" I so wanted to eat last night The power of feeling great.  The power of self control. The power of commitment.  The power of being the superstar in your life.

Second: reminds me that we are SOOO human. Yes us. The creatures with such enviable intelligence,  creatures with the indestructible spirit to rise above. Creatures that defy all odds to conquer the unconquerable.  Creatures of passion and goodwill. Creatures made to care, To believe. Yes us, these same creatures, including admittedly myself included that deprecate, belittle, ridicule and gloat at another's loss... or gain...that is. 

I was having some alone with the spousal unit with our oh-too consipicious tag along, Gaby( who talks too much and hears even more). We were sitting at the local DD with our freshly brewed java and some incriminating delicious munchkins when, dear God-can I go anywhere that I musn't see someone from the gym? Thanks, that all I need another reminder of my grotesque inadequacy.  When out of the corner of my eye, I turned to look a little closer.  "Wow, she has gained some weight. "yeah, she has gained alot of weight".  "She always wears tanks at the gym", look at her midsection, she definately gained weight".  I continued to look at her, and repeat a couple more unsolicited observations that were more for my hurt ego than hers.  Then the husband speaks, the man who speaks no evil, simply says, "It happens, its winter".  I don't know if it was his comment or the realization that the comments were more to appease my debacle than her minor infraction.

As humans we must percieve a win, we must taste it, we must revel in it to see the
light at the end of the tunnel.  Its pretty sad when I think about it---because that was not myself thinking or talking, but the method that brought me to realize- that I am NOT the only one who has UPS and DOWNS. I am not the only one who goes through changes. I am not the only who struggles.I am NOT the only human who felt a momentary sense of gratification at the cost of comparison to an unbeknowst innocent party. 

I am human and I will rise up, and I will succeed and I will conquer. Now hear me roar! 

1 comment:

  1. Love it Raquel. I love how honest you are..I too have lost my "stardom" my pregnancies have taken a toll on me..but like you..I have my ups and downs and will as I call it... "make my comeback"...LOL!!!!! Very inspirational post. I love it!! :D