Saturday, September 26, 2009

so its saturday September 26,2009

i skipped the gym yesterday after work and went over to visit my mom. I really liked her scale as it read 187.7.... nice... when i went home mine read the same 187. I am finally... finally in the 180... trying to get to 185 by october 2nd staff meeting I want to wear that dres... and BREATHE... i continously keep seeing the changes in my body and am content with the efort although i wish the results were quicker and more pronounced. but am happy with the dedication i have endured and determined to keep. its a daily struggle some days easier some days harder. I pretty much have a routine and can keep with it. I encorporated more and more foods to my diet daily and keep a balanced view on foods and exercise with a touch of obsession that keeps me motivated. I like to push myself when I see a young person running the threadmill and increase and decrease my speeds in intervals. I am doing circuit training and alternating with exercises at home with the P90X. Kempo is awesome and going to start with the Plyo now. Ab ripper X is just that... an ripper OMG. i love seeing the support I am getting from the kids and hubby. Tremayne has started going to the gym with ne and is motivated. Today he asked when the next peachtree Road Race and that is our goal for next year. I have kept up my reading and researching about foods and diet and exercises. I am loving the progress. I believe I believe!!! Food and nutrition is essential to having success. You cant eat crap and expect good results...its not going to happen. Balance and obsession or is dedication... you have to be dedicated, determined focus.. You have to DECIDE. COMMIT... SUCCEED. I LIKE THE p90x program and will start today with Nancy. I am amazed at how many approach me for information and thoughts on foods and nutrition. I realy love these books with this awesome information.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

at about 12 to 15 lbs and more........

I was now going to LIFETIME and cancelled my membership at GOlds gym, I felt that it would be better chance if I had my whole family backing me up and coming with me to golds gym. At second weight in.... I was 223 lbs and it took Stacy a couple of minutes to realize that I had lost 15 lbs. I wanted the world to notice me... In my head...I just accomplished far more than I had initially thought I would. I will admit that from the beginning I knew I would win, I just had purposed my game plan to fight harder and stronger. I viewed it as SURVIVOR !!! What did I first notice, no....not a change in the way clothes fit because I was still in size 18. I first noticed a difference in my bra strap area because I say it was my shoulders, but it was the area around my neck where my bra straps fell. Odly, thats what looked different... like I was losing weight there.... weird. I was told that for every 15 lbs lost you go down a pants size.... NOT !!!!!!! I would of loved too, but it was not that for me. Then I remember going to breakfast with my brother Jorge and his wife on July that point I was 18 lbs lost... and I was feeling confident and wore my work out gear as a uniform some days. I timed my breaks with driving to the gym and back... I consistently woke up and ate breakfast... watched what I ate and kept logging everything. I read everything I could on the internet and kept motivated by changes emotionally and subconscientiously that were happening, slower than I wanted but obviously happening. I remember my brother Jorge being so proud of me, that look said more than you could... My brother Carlos would call me every couple of days to see how I was doing and encourage me to keep it up. Give me good tips on things. I will be forever grateful. I read something today regarding Walking... etc... and how tell everyone you are doing it and you will get two responses from people, support and encouragement. others will be interested in your efforts and support you when you give it a priority. I am convinced that this would not have been possible if my hubby and kids did not support me as much as they did with my nightly visiits the gym and new recipes and all the new fat free food which we all have become accustomed too.

The next encouraging moment was going to work with a blouse I had not worn in years. I wore some black pants and a purple sleeveless ruffled victorian styled shirt and I had a waist. I remember walking to the back to greet my Buford peeps and hearing Eridiana howl along with the others... OMG ----- OHHH MY GGGGGGGGGAWD. I was convinced at that moment that what I saw in the mirror that morning they also saw. I was even more convinced to keep on and keep focused, this would be my nmotto. KEEP FOCUSED. Being that the rest of the office staff did not see me on a weekly basis, I got all my info and follow up from them as well as their weekly reminders.... "you are doing it" You can see a difference raquel... Even Eridianas' OH my gawd, remember you use to have that panza... it was okay, she was being honest.

Next was seeing my coworkers at the quaterly staff meeting a month into this... July 10th, 2009. I walked in with a darker and shorter, straight hair and because I dont see everyone except on quaterly staff meetings I always get... the endearing greetings of all my coworkers that are my friends via phone and email during the preceeding and following 3 months from that day. I walked in and recieved the gawking eyes and happy hellos from everyone, as well as the "you are looking good, Raquel" I was though, surprised that I noticed the people on the same weight loss challenge as me, with McDonalds large sized coffee lattes and eating our chicken fil a biscuits... whew!!!!!! was I in this challenge alone... had they not the same information as I had...that a biscuit with sausage, cheese had over 200 calories and the coffees with whippped creme and sugar had 300 calories.... hum.... I thought to myself as I ate my 100 calorie yogurt. I was asked to come up to the front to be audible to everyone... and visible to everyone... I heard the howls and yelps... and acting modestly embarresed but internally praising my efforts with pride and joy. I noticed then it was happening and everyone was noticing. Towards the end, Stacy called me out of the meeting for the weigh in... 216 lbs. Surprised and congratulatory... Stacy and Faridi were in the break room. Faridi asks me how much have you lost... I wrote it down .... it was 22 lbs...

No sooner did I get back to Buford that I started getting the emails... wow you have lost 22 lbs, thats great... wow... you are in the lead, wow I have only lost 10 lbs, etc... all I could see is .... the Mcdonalds latte cups and the silver wrappers of the biscuits... and it was self explanatory in my brain... hmmm.... Okay, are they really going to make this an easy win for me? not so much because I was in the lead, but because I had the most will power, the most dedication.... was this not a weight loss challenge.... involving sacrifice and new choices... healthy choices.

From that moment on... it became a challenge. I didnt see everyone, the other competitors because I dont go to Dunwoody, but I got the scoop from my office sister, both of them Naomi and Cesar... he can gossip with the best of us. As I joined LIFETIME, Cesar and Allyson joined too. We worked out a couple times and did a routine one night with Allyson also. He encouraged me and taught me to love the stairmaster more of the challenge of who can endure longer....

The first time I couldnt for more than 2 minutes if that, but it came slowly and surely. I also met up with Brian Byrdsong who encouraged and let me do circuit training with him and his boys... sons...who are pretty much men...We did ab workouts and leg work outs. He taught me the powerful results from lounges... I couldnt walk for 2 days after the first time I did lounges and repeated the workout at least once a week since. On the second day, he said you gotta do stairmaster to workout the lactic acid build up in your legs... I obliged and didnt give up... i pushed myself for 20 minutes... I kept telling myself "dont give up" never give up" my legs were numb and it worked... I could walk the next day and learned a powerful lesson.

I kept reading and learning and researching all the information I could about weight loss foods, routines, exercises, etc. When I couldnt get to the gym, I would workout in panties and bra in the bathroom...Whatever jiggled must be fat and must go. I learned exercises for legs and arms and obliques. I kept my food intake to match my energy expenditure for the day and loaded up a little more for the days with heavy workouts. I remember talking to Bryan at length regarding feeling tired and him encouraging me to eat more and how my body was asking for more food due to the extreme workouts I was doing. I was pushing myself harder and harder and at the beginning the exhaustion was unbelievable. I was literally shower and crawl into bed exhausted... I lacked the desire to eat after workouts and paid the price with exhaustion.

I learned to eat more and take lunch to work and if unable would eat 2 chicken grilled from KFC ... yes without the sides and biscuit even if it was more expensive...or a subway sandwich... Started sleeping more and resting and eating... the weight kept coming off... that line is so true....The weight will start dropping off".... I wasn't focusing on numbers rather all the good choices, healthy choices I was making.

I remember hitting the 27 lbs mark and 28 lbs mark loss and 30 lbs... I remember Cesar saying... 33 lbs... I remember weighing myself at work and feeling happy... that is what I want to remember not what I ate or when I ate or how much exercise, but how good it was to feel I was doing it... I was accomplishing an extreme and daunting task of losing weight.

I remember just wanting to be under 200 lbs... that was an incredible marker... I hit 209... just shy of 30 lbs... and During the 2 weeks following the staff meeting I think I lost the fastest weight loss... at july 10th I was 216- on office scale at home I was about 214, i think. then a week later july 17th I was 210 lbs... july 24was another weigh in at office that I was not told about... but anyways... I was still going down and doing well. Ryan was leaving back to phoenix on July 25th and

I had been fully focused on my weight loss for the two months and had lost - 30 lbs... Ryan leaves and I handle it semi well. I ran on the threadmill for 4 miles and hour-- on July 28th...which I have not been able to repeat since then... but i must have needed it.... this week apparently I did not make it to the gym as much as I wanted to... and also was chaotic and heartbreakingly difficult due to news of Leukemia for Sharines baby... I was stumped for days and severly traumatized. I paid for it with slow weight loss...

To further discourage me abit, we start a "spirit day" at work and superhero day... I remember being so rudely reminded by a trip to the dressing room that I still had cellulite and barely fitting size 16...egh.... I didn't like that and pushed myself to recover by reminding myself that eventhough I had lost more than 20 lbs I was still 75 lbs overweight... and needed to lose 75 lbs more... OMG... the numbers are daunting... I cannot believe it yet today...

I started buying clothes... smaller clothes, I had to go down a pants size and shirt size now large instead of xlarge.I remember being so rudely reminded by a trip to the dressing room that I still had cellulite and barely fitting size 16...egh.... I didn't like that and pushed myself to recover by reminding myself that eventhough I had lost more than 30 lbs I was still 75 lbs overweight... and needed to lose 75 lbs more... OMG... the numbers are daunting... I cannot believe it yet today...

I was so ready to reach 200 lbs, i could feel it... I tried and tried and worked hard and the scale was fighting me each step.... at this point I think I am gaining muscle or so I kept telling myself and convincing myself I was doing the same, but It was getting slower and more difficult to change. I needed to change up my routine and do something different. I discovered CYBEX and the wave...

It took me a month to lose 9 lbs. My sister said when you get down to 200lbs I will join you... unfortunately, as of yet, I have exceeded that goal and she has not joined me yet. I still have hope. My mom and dad have visited me multiple times and have seen the positive changes and even my "put your foot in your mouth" dad has been surprised- I bet that I have kept my goals and have not reverted to bad habits. on August 7th...I am at 203 lbs....and struggling to lose these last couple pounds to get to 200lbs... Finally over a month later, August 22nd I am at 199.4 lbs...

I started pushing harder and doing different routines at the gym, and home. I see positive changes and the most thing.... which I havent talked about is the physical changes... soon after losing 15 to 20 lbs... I lost my big ass... hahah! my butt was going down, the fat and excess of fat on it was going down... I couldnt believe it...I saw visible changes that was Change #2. After the first month I took measurements. Then the belly area was going down and I was getting a waist. CHange #3 were my thighs.... OMG i actually have hamstrings and thigh muscles and my legs are getting leaner not thin , but leaner... I wore a sundress and felt happy and confident...

change #4 were my arms and my "HUG" when I wrapped my arms around myself I was smaller.

I found a "little" black dress at Ross and when relating my story to Naomi, we both got tears in our eyes of happiness, She has been one of my greatest cheerleaders and besides the difference in life and history between us, i love that girl.

I had bought a black dress with a purple and black jacket a month prior and could not fit in it previously... this time I tried it on and wore it to the spanish assembly on August 15th with my parents.

August 22nd I went for the english assembly in my New York and Company dress...and felt so happy with myself I was slightly under 200 lbs and glowing.

At this time I am approximately losing 2 to 3 lbs a week with my calorie intake regimen and exercise. I made a realistic decision and wise one... I cancelled LIFETIME GYM and went back to golds' due to distance and cost.

Closing in on September and last weigh in....I am excited and confident. I have so many people who have encouraged me and supported me through all of this journey as I call it. Like an experience in life you take and learn from it, grow from it and accept it as part of your life.

At the beginning, I remember the guilt of gaining the weight of not knowing where and when I left myself get to that point of almost 240 lbs... I had extreme guilt and self loathing.. which thankfully was replaced by pride and confidence.

I approached food with new sense of responsibility and awareness. With RESPONSIBILITY and dedication of healthy choice instead of convenience. I ate more than I had eaten ever, consistently and responsibly. I never felt I had to do it for those observing me, rather for the times when I was alone and noone watching me... I was the one in control of the choice, It was my willpower to make a good healthy choice at all times... HEALTHY CHOICE.. right choice all the time....

I started back at Golds the first week of september and have enjoyed literally driving one mile to the gym and back... I went tuesday and skipped wednesday. I went on thursday am for cardio and started on stairmaster, elliptical and threadmill, worked ab crunches and some machines, then came back 7pm for spinning class. I met up with Missy, who for 10 minutes was clueless of who I was, then blurted... Raquel right.... I kept up, huffing at times, but I kept up. I endured...

I had to go back and finish working... I had to weigh the choice of getting my nails done or getting a new outfit to wear on Friday and go to the weigh in with.... I choose the new outfit. I ran to Dressbarn, but now not on the big girl side but the other side...I grabbed a couple of things... some medium and some large and ....a size 14 pants with abit of arrogance...and a hint of confidence... "could they fit now, I must be at least a size 14 now"... I tried them.. the medium shirt was abit too snug for a dress shirt, but it was doable if I didnt eat...before the weigh in... and as far as the size 14 pants, the slacks were unappealing but definately fit.. I walked out with a skip in my step and knew I would rock an outfit tomorrow... with confidence and a winning attitude... I grabbed a size 12 jean type of slacks and a size 12 jeans that I was sure would not fit just yet, but were for my next goal to meet.

I went home and tried everything on... whew ! I am in a size 12 pants, I cannot, cannot, repeat it... fit... I got up and got dressed, made to work only 10 minutes late. and did the "reach for the fan" episodes... like tremayne reminds me of the time he visited me the first time... and I reached in front of him to the change the speed of the fan and I was accused of trying to show my ass... there was a discussion of the office being hot and I am the only person allowed to change the thermometer... and I said... "Okay, i got it" and walked subconscientously purposefully towards the thermometer... the howling ensued with Eridiana and her...... WHOA !!!!!!!!!! all I could say...was "I know they are little too tight"... in my modest tone... I was pleased with acknowledgement of the obvious. My buford crew has always supported me and where Dr. Desouza has noticed the change throughout the journey, my Dr. Kim has just noticed last friday... "raquel, your face is so different". I am more than happy that I got that from her. Believe me that is alot, from someone who doesnt say much.

I was nervous after the second of three calls that came in to the office to congratulate me... which made me subconscience and inadvertingly center of attention. I felt all eyes were on me... as I have said I can be in the middle of a fun group I just cant lead the group in the fun...I can be a part of it, but not it.

I still have some cellulite on my legs and lower belly bulge, but I m getting there, I am loving myself and feeling healthy. Everyone asks me about how my husband feels about it adn the truth is... its about how I feel about myself thats more important. Tremayne has always said...Do what you feel is better, do what you think helps, etc... he is so selfless...I thank him for my success at this.

I went to the weigh in and got the looks and congratulations... I eagerly and abit frightened on the scale with hoping I was not going to weight more than my confessed weight of 195 with this scale and gratefully I was at 195.5 at 1pm.

Brandy was announced as First runner up with her winning of $355.00 and I was announced as the winner with $830.00. We got roses and pictures. I lost 43.5 lbs my competition lost 11 lbs. I announced... with pride and conviction I started at 238.7... at brandys' open jaw reaction... and now I am at 195.5... Deanna maguire announced...with quick mathematical skills... thats 43 lbs...

I modestly confess.. I am the lady in the weight loss pictures... with the disclaimer at the bottom.. "results not typical", to everyones laughter and enjoyment of expressing some modesty after winning by such a large amount.

It was then professed that the new challenge will begin...on OCTOBER 2nd... with my biggest competitor announcing... " so we have the rest of September off"... that is the attitude that... well makes all the difference......

I will be in the next challenge, as I still want to lose 40-45 lbs. I have set up my goal for 150 lbs... depending of when I get to 150 where do I want to be and what does 150 lbs look on me. I think 135 lbs will look to thin for me??? who knows. I will see when I get there. I remember at one point of this journey, I was scared of the obsession that it provokes and questioned if I had will power or was deviling in the fine line of obsession and the comencement of the downward spiral of aneroxia where nothing is pleasing. I glad that the obsession was in reality more dedication and hardwork and focus rather than the damaging effects of self loathing. I was doing things purposefully, slowly and correctly.

I had an agenda, I had a purpose, I had a method a good one. Portion control, I only control my fat and sugar gram intake on everything I eat. Dont eat white bread, no matter what Maria Layus sister in law, Ms. Nutritionist specialist says. No potatoes and no bacon, hot dogs or high sodium foods. Getting plenty of rest and working out regularly if not daily. I do my cardio and do not eat after 7:30pm if not earlier. I judge my foods more on quality than convenience and READ, PREPARE AND PLAN my day, my food, my exercise, my choices.

So Friday was awesome and .... won the BLC challenge by a landslide........ my biggest competition was 11 lbs...

the monies were split between 2 people... I was winner... I was awarded and named winner as I walked into the office... and before weighing in...... there were some who didn't weigh in... there were others who blurted out.... I weight more, there were some who looked me up and down as if I was an object... before greeting me. In the end of this part of my journey... it was all good... everything and more than I had ever imagined. Losing 43 lbs is amazing. I love it, I love myself and so proud of this accomplishment. I called my brothers who were so proud in their voices.... or should I go back to the conversation Jorge and I had on thursday afternoon... in good Jorge nature...he says... " lalallalal, I said what is that... he says... "the acknowlegment speech" " I want to thank all the little people, I mean the big people..." he is so funny and crazy. I love him.

I brought my cash earnings home stopped at ACU and opening a savings account. Wow that is alot of money. Kind of perturbed that at the end of the competition, the rules changed to include two WINNERS... regardless... I won a long time ago when I learned to control my future, to minismize my chances of developing diabetes, when I took control of my weight, my life, my healthy, my choices,. I was a winner a long time ago. I am content, happy and proud.

I woke up Saturday... Sept 5th at 8:50 am and went to 9am spinning class. I felt every turn from THURSDAYs class still. slowly and surely I made it through with my legs burning and feeling it for the rest of the day... whew !!! nice. I have challenged my hubby to join me. He claims, what can be so hard with riding a bike... bring it !!! baby, bring it!!!!!!!

In good arrogant fashion I tried my size 12 jeans just for the heck of it and guess what they fit.... Now I was convinced I was a size 12.... wow! from size 18 to size 12.... that was far greater pay than the $800 which was swwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttt!!!!!!!!

October here we come and I can guarantee that I will have that one also. For the remaining month of September which we are at September 6th, I will probably lose another 10 lbs... which is my goal get down to 185 lbs... then 180 is my next goal for beginning of OCTOBER 2009. From there I will have 30 lbs to go to get to 150 lbs. I will do it. and refer to these words in a couple of weeks. I remain dedicated to log my feelings and thoughts and let LOSE IT log my food and exercise regimen for the sake of calorie control.

Here I am on Sunday, 9-6-09 and I wore my jeans and tee and sandals out for a day with my hubby kid free.... lunch at Panera, and errand running at sears. What a nice afternoon. I decided just to grab a pair of the only shorts I own and refused to get rid of because of the memories attached to them, some white denim Bongo shorts from 1995 or 1996 before I met my husband a teen size 13... my butt fit but couldnt zippered up, its okay though, I just wanted to see... and yes my legs looked all right, not where I want to end up, but I have beat so many odds and have accomplished so much already, I am ready for the next half of this journey.

the length of the shorts was perfect, I am a really good judge of styles and materials that fit good on me and will copy them in every color and fashion. I am a true believer of look good to feel good and vice versa. I will zip them jean shorts up and wear out in public. I like the way my legs are looking and working on lower ab exercises to boost the fat loss in my problem area....ready to get rid of the muffin top. my arms are smaller and my overall inch less is dramatic. I wish I would of measured from the beginning. The weight is coming off and I can't believe that that truth is happening... as each day goes by. The weight does come off. and one day you are size 18 and another you are size 12... wow 3 months what an incredible journey.

ready to play and .......... win some more!!!!!!!!!!!!

at some point....

I developed this blog to record my progress in my weight loss challenge. The only thing is that the beginning of this I was totally focused on food intake and exercise. My feelings and emotions had nothing to do with this whole thing. The initial incentive was team play... little did I know that until 2 weeks prior to the ending date that it was actually two winners....hahah but I will get to that later. I realized maybe a month ago that I really wanted to document what were my feeling, my motivation, my yearnings and desires and hopes and dreams and I was logging my food intake and calories, and exercises and the numbers that the machines so brightly displayed as you sweated and wondered why I was pushing so hard. I logged that faithfully for a month and then lost interest. I then went to logging it on my IPHONE under an app. LOSE IT! which recorded my calories and exercises calories expended. I need to catch up now on my overall feelings. I will try to back track from now post win....yeah did you hear that POST WIN !

First of all, It was never a win or lose thing for me. I had no doubt I was the winner. I played the challenge as a real challenge, as a winner, as a total samurai warrier with only life and survival as the objective.

I realized many times during this battle, that it was about learning self control above all, about the winning attitude of survival of the fittest, wisest, and most in control. In my mind and heart I won two months ago... when I learned control and objectivity rather than feelings of mourning the loss of Krispy kreme donuts and hashbrowns from Waffle house which were no longer part of my life.

People ask me: what is your secret.... I routinely respond. Portion control which is truly a definative part of weight loss, but the reality is that I taught myself to look at two things when ingesting anything FAT CONTENT AND SUGAR CONTENT. Forget about the carbs... it wasnt about all the starch I couldnt eat anymore, but substituting the taste of sweet and sugary things with healthy and naturally yummy things. I learned to taste food and value the quality of food. Why would I scarf down a big mac of 700 calories and feel so terribly full, and painfully guilty to a 6 inch subway turkey and lettuce and tomatoe, my body was my santuary.

What do I want to feed you, what do I want to fuel you with??? I looked at food differently. I use to see something and realize... this tastes good, lets have a little more of it... and although I believed that I was not an emotional eater... dear lord...I was an emotional eater, a stress eater, a bored eater, a happy eater, a sad eater, a work from home eater, a entitled work from office eater, a pretty face eater, a lose weight later eater, a every excuse eater... I weighed 238.7 lbs when I started this journey to my grotesque unaware and terribly naively self satisfactory attitude. I keeping telling myself now, with humbled and terrified reality that if this would not of taken place in my life now... soon in 2 years or less I would be at 300 lbs.

I started this challenge when on vacation in Houston, as I a half-hearted effort of joining a crowd of coworkers in an office team spirit game.... but it was a challenge....I didnt see it at first as such until later, and then again it was never a challenge with others, but with myself.

My mother got very ill in Houston and being around her for 24 hours straight was the biggest insight in the life of a diabetic, renal failure patient on dialysis and what my father and mothers life had become in the last year and a half. This little.... BIG factor was the one thing that pushed me farther than anything else. I remember going down to heat one of the periotoneal fluid bags in the microwave and telling myself. This is it... I have my health in my hands... literally... and I knew it was now or never... I immediately decided at that moment that I was going to do this and win control over my weight and health. I told myself.. "I will not have diabetes, I will not go on being overweight, year after year and not do anything positive about it"

Now I say year after year as this had been my struggle all my life... which it was not. Just until after I had my daughter in 1999... it probably was until 2002 when I started working in an office setting where I lost control and then when I came home to work a couple months later.... I lost control of it. 2002 to 2009 -- 7 years that I abused my health and my body. I was not grotesquely overweight where I couldnt find clothes to fit me or couldnt hide the buldges with a bigger size or a longer shirt.

I learned all the tricks, I made my hair up and makeup and had the "pretty face with cute dimples". I neglected the fact that my body was turning into something fat and ugly.

I remember my sister saying "FAT is not pretty" that resonates with me on a daily basis. Noone who is fat wants to be fat... the only difference is some people do something about it and some don't.

I look at so many young people now and remember i looked just like them healthy and beautiful. We take our health so for granted and those unhealthy decisions we make along the way and the habits we pick up can be for our good or bad....

I picked up alot of bad ones. I honestly can tell you I have never saved so much money as I have in the last 3 months. I use to eat out on Tuesday, wednesday and friday breakfast, lunch and dinner most days... the others days... from home, my futile attempt in cooking would end up in the kids drawing their noses, they didnt want my cooking and liked the fast food or at least felt.. they were eating something
I went to bed nearly every night at 1pm or 2am, ate terrible and had a golds' gym membership that took $26.00 out each month, which they loved me with no usage by another number and still paying...

I could care less about what I ate, rushed to the first fast food for immediately sensory gratification instead of quality...

I remember the words of AL ROKER after his gastric bypass... to lose weight... now that he "cant eat the same amount of food he focuses on quality of food".

I gained the weight and didnt really realize how bad I was until I weighed in. 238.7 I had a sense of entitlement when I ate and selfishly lied to myself that soon one day I would change it all. When, I ask myself, when .... when I was diabetic, when I was sick, when I collapsed or had... cholesterol problems.

I will admit that I was surprised when at my last physical...they said all my labs were normal... I just knew that they had my bloodwork confused with someone elses because how could everything be normal. My sugar levels, cholesterol etc.

I was overweight, i was winded when I talked and walked, i was tired and lacked stamina for alot of things.. alot of things.

I lost the first 9 lbs in 5 days... in Houston I imagine... Before I left I weighed myself on my mothers digital scale in the hall bathroom and confirmed that infact the scale at LIFETIME where Stacy had weighed me was actually accurate... both read almost identical number 238 lbs. I was shocked, but not yet.... dedicated...not yet!

I came back from Houston and reached my moms house and weighed myself...9 lbs less..what it must be wrong... 9 lbs.... I had just -- for the last 4 days been controlling my eating... the night I heated the peritoneal fluids for my moms dialysis... I immediately changed my habits from that moment on... I ate a smaller portion that evening and the next morning went to the grocery store, grabbed bannanas, raisins, oatmeal and skim milk. I ate oatmeal and smaller portions the following day and kept that habit on the following days in Houston... that was it... in those days I had lost 9 lbs.... I couldnt believe it. it read 229 went I returned... I then went to gold's gym after maybe my last visit being in 2006...some 3 years ago. and walked the threadmill as I was afraid and embarressed of doing anything else that would draw attention to my fat ass and body. I didnt want to fall on anything and everyone laugh this would be too much for me to take...

I did it... then I actually went to a spinning class which I had no idea until 2 previous days from a distance friends post on Facebook... whew ! I had no strength to go up and down on the bike, but I endured and stayed the full hour. I proceeded to exercise a couple more times at golds' gym, when I convinced my husband to sign us up at LIFETIME GYM, the resort as I call it.

It was inviiting, beautifully and my kids loved it as much as I did. by the second weekend, I went to lifetime with 12 lbs loss and just inspired to keep going. I was looking thinner in my mind but couldnt see it yet. I saw numbers which I couldnt believe, but couldnt imagine why noone else could see the change in me. The biggest was my attitude and conviction in weight loss strategy...portion control, calorie intake and exercise.

started at 238.7--- at 195.5 lost 43.2 lbs.

started at 2387 and 195.5 lost 43.2 lbs.....

i am the biggest loser

its sunday, september 5th and i had an incredible yearning to escape from the kids and the cleaning of the house and reward myself with just alone time with my husband. We spent Friday evening with kids and saturday running around with the kids and their moods and demands. I am exhilarated with my win and my lifestyle change. I had said that Friday I would go and eat a full Taco MAC BLUE CHEESE BURGER, BUT went to subway and ate a turkey sandwich.

I am in a size 12 and just humbled by this experience and the change. I was moved this morning when i weeding out yet some more large clothes from my closet. I couldnt believe the size of these 18/20 pants that I wore. It takes me to tears, it really does because i cant believe i really made this change....

and all I can hear in my mind right now... is the "I am not leaving song" when curtis tells Effie... all you can do is think about you and this change with you... only thinking of you....... and I am telling you........ I am not going BACK....

I only recently heard those discouraging thoughts of others........ and oh she is going to gain it back... I dont knwo why i thought that... but its like i was nervous. This is my life now.

I still yearn the good food, healthy food and its not about being skinny but healthy. Good choices.