Sunday, May 22, 2011

what day is it? ... it Sunday, May 22nd and a week into my new voice.

Hello there everyone! Its Sunday, and I got my spin and Power on today.  I woke up at 9:30 for a 10 am class to realize that the new schedule for Ride is at 11 to 12 and Power to follow.  It gave me some extra time to catch up on my neglected laundry that has been dragged from room to room in baskets. 

Today is a beautiful day and the sun as inviting as it seems is making me wish for some shade to wash my car and vacumn it.  In regards to my exercise routine and eating, I am happy to share that this week has been a very good week.  Mentally I have been focused on my goal and realized that it will take time.  I had a great evening with a girls night out last night and had a chance to confess some of my recent feelings of failure and disgust about my weight gain that were rather cathartic.

I don't do well with failure and the feeling were overwhelming to the point- I had a couple soliutions in mind.  One to not see anyone that I had seen in months ago (pssst a year ago) when I was at my lowest weight.  Another was to change gyms.  And all this was to ease the guilt of failure. I had neglected to listen to all the suggestions about balance when it came to what I was doing whether it was exercise or eating.  I remember one of my online workout friends (JR): asked me one day. "what is your treat, your cheat food?".  I said "a peppermint patty.(50 cal)." He told me that that wasn't reasonable and I should have something more than that. His was a kickin chicken' sandwich from Zaxby's (600 cal).  I answered honestly, but the what I mistakingly thought was a fully focused attitude was what I can admit now a bit of obsession.    I neglected to use balance and discretion when it came to total calories consumed and total workouts. I figured out how did I lose all that weight (79 lbs.) in that short amount of time?  I did just like the (BL) contestants on the show spend 3 hours in the gym.  I limited my calories to an extremely usual low amount.  Of course I lost 79 lbs. I had to have used the momentum as a step and then lessen the "obsession" to a workable routine, a consistantly less stringent schedule in both areas.  Unfortunately, I totally fell right in the trap of what I was trying to avoid.  The fall back.  The weight gain and failure.  The "screw it" attitude as I call it.  This one thing that makes the difference between making it and (keeping it) or failing.  When you drive by that Krispy Kreme and think, "ah, screw it, I will just have 2 donuts", or "I worked my butt off at the gym today, I deserve it".  When you put your running shoes down, and think "screw it, its too hot out there to run".  When you (intentionally) leave your prepared lunch and think "screw it, I'll just eat out this one time". When you go to bed late surfing the net and that alarm sounds earlier than expected and think "screw it, I'll just go tonight to the gym".  This is what I call the "screw it, attitude".  It is so decieving and harmful.  I know I did it for 6 to 8 months and paid severly with more than 30 lbs.

I also had to get over the idea that people were actually looking at me and thinking in there minds... "wow, look at her now, she's fat again".  In that instance is the only place where the term "screw it" should arise.  You must stand bold faced and admit to yourself the reality of the matter. I came to the conclusion simple and clear that --I did this once and I can do it again.  If you are a sincere person and have good friends- noone will be thinking that but instead you can solicit their help to cheer you on and encourage you to get back to a good point.  I have great "abit to honest" siblings that have kept me in check when I feel this feeling creeping in.  I love them all their sincerity and compassion has helped me overcome my feelings of failure.

So finally- get off your butt and do it.  And if you have done it before and come to a plateau or the bottom of the hill like i did... Just get up and do it!!! again.  Its okay.  Do it again!!! I am getting there and its hard, I'm exhausted, but I am determined and so there again. Make it a great and healthy life.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

day 4 on day 10 but its all good, I'm back !!!!!

okay, so it really should be my day 10, but i kinda got sidetracked so I am trying to catch up literally in all aspects of the word.  Food, fitness, fuel and and fudge I'mma feel it tomorrow.  I had a great morning of Spin at 11 to 12 and Power from 12 to 1 and ate a good egg whites and spinach breakfast adn some grainy bread with organic peanut butter which I really liked.  Its about 7:30pm and my legs are starting to remind me that I have not done that many lunges in a while.  I was looking forward to picking up a barbell but I forgot that it included lunges, and squats. Yikes! 

I have planned to my 5:45am spin and must keep to it since I will be missing out my evening classes with my sons' band concert tomorrow evening.

Wish me well.  I need nourishment now and  need to keep focused because I really want some cake.  with frosting. yeah!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

day 3- smooth sailing

okay let me not be cauky because tomorrow I might be hurting to tear down a taco mac blue cheese burger and wings.  LOL! Well my 48 hours quest on liquid diet (protein shakes and H20) has gone amazingly well.  I definately believe its all in the mindset.  I made a small goal and just believed I could accomplish it and I have.  I have a lean pork loin and some lentejas on the crock pot going for tomorrow.  I can't wait. 

But as far as this weekend goes, it has been scaringly- if such word exists, easy.  I am not sure why I choose this weekend as I had my cousin's GSU graduation party to attend, but I did it.  I drank 2 bottled waters or maybe it was 3.  But I did it. Two things happened yesterday, one I overcame my fear of seeing many people who hadnt seen in a couple months (fortunately for me, it was after dark on a candle lit table setting) and number 2: I didn't collapse at the temptation of a catered dinner which looked and smelled divine.  OKAY: NUMBER 3: i just thought of the delish cake that was homemade. I did take a 3 hour nap yesterday which I am sure due to the lack of solid foods. 

I did a morning run of 4.5 miles at Little Mulberry Park and felt it today at round 2 with the hubster.  We ran intervals run/ walk at every .10 of a mile today.  I have to admit I forgot how long Protein shakes can hold you. 

I am very proud of my small goal.  I will begin weighing myself and report accordingly.   :0)

Saturday, May 7, 2011

road to recovery day 2

i woke up promptly with a sense of direction and purpose.  It is 9:36 a.m. and my bed is made, my room is tidy, the dog has been fed and basking in the morning heat.  The first load of laundry and dishes are going.  Eventhough, I had enough time to get to my 9am spin or step class, I am choosing to go run/walk at Little Mulberry Park.  I feel a sense of relief of guilt and a newfound purpose.  I just need to do this.  The AGAIN part is irrelevant today.  I choose the park because it has always been a companion to my innermost thoughts and confessions.

It seems like it will be a substantially hot day and I am starting early enough to get many tasks accomplished.  The first... my workout.  Then my diet, followed by my domestic duties and finally my employment duties which have been comprised by technical issues since Thursday.

I love myself today. I will enjoy my cousins' day of graduation from Georgia State and family party, despite my fears and self accusations.

Enjoy your day! day 2

Friday, May 6, 2011

road to recovery... AGAIN

YEAH!!! As much as i hate to admit it and my ego hurts with my failure.  I had to face my pain and worthlessness and realize I have to make a choice. Yet again. Do I give up? or do I face the truth and make a decision whether this is going to stop me or encourage me to get back on track.  I honestly do not want to be one of those who tries "diet" after "diet" looking for the next trick to lose weight.  I have only done this battle once and did great for one year then.... lost it.  I totally lost it. My superhuman mentality.  My powers. My focus. I lost the commitment, the dedication and strength to uphold my beliefs of a healthy way of living. 

I admitted to my brother today, one of my biggest fears.  I actually do not want to go to a family function tomorrow because I do not want to see some family members that I havent seen in a year... when I was SUPERHUMAN.  When I was beast.  I literally dont want to not notice the disapproving mumbles, OMG, and other suprising reactions which will be totally hidden but so obvious to all.

I dont want to admit that I failed.  So what do I do? Let this failure hold me or push me?  I am so upset that I allowed this to happen. I have that same "screw it" attitude that got me into this hell hole in the first place. Ah, screw it! I will eat fast food.  "Ah, screw it", one more cookie.  Ah, screw it, i will go to the gym tomorrow.  That attitude is what is the difference between those who talk about, those who complain about it and those who ACTUALLY do something about it. 

I had an unbreakable commitment for  a long time.  Was it a bit on the obsessive side? Heck yeah! It is all the mental ability to stay focused or loose interest and entertain other ambitions that get you side tracked.  I had a selfcentered obsessive dedication to my wellbeing and I let it go.

I just realized the reasoning behind me visiting another gym this week--- in my self reasoning that "maybe a gym next door to my job in Buford".  May assist me to go early to gym, then work, or after work gym sessions instead of the temptation to talk myself out of the gym once I arrived at home.  I just realized it had nothing to do with this ridiculous reasoning.  It is because I don't want the people who have seen me in the past year and half to see that I am fat. Again.

Wow! that was cathartic.  It is amazing, how our mind can play the role of accuser or forgiver.  We can talk ourselves out of any conclusion, if we do NOT have our mind and heart set on the same objective. First it must be the will and then it must be the mindset.  From experience this ONLY comes from preparation.  I have my bananas for my protein shake tomorrow. 

I have decided to go to a liquid diet this weekend.  Wish me well.  I think if I make simple, small steps.  This will encourage me back to the road of recovery. Instead of thinking I have to lose 30 lbs.  If I just begin again with small, tiny steps- I can do this.  In everything, finance, education, work... we are told small steps, small changes, small accomplishment lead to bigger ones.

I will set this as my weekend goal.  Liquid, protein shake diet for Saturday and Sunday. 

My weight is 203 lbs. today 5-7-11.