Half of spin and groove ... Gaby left groove class... Poor baby... With the culture diversity she has and no rhythm...

230.8

So I actually kept my word or my hubby made me keep my wot of going to spin class today. I found my old reliable Nike super stretchy pants and my long, over my butt tee shirt and I pulled out my diadora spin shoes. All I can say is..."it's gonna hurt tomorrow". The instructor was Sarah, I've known from class for years and after class we shared sentiments that were what I needed to hear and verbiage that was so familiar to me that I felt a renewed sense of security. I noticed that on the floor I feel lost, guilt ridden, ashamed if how I look and feel to exposed. In spin class I feel comfortable, like I know my strength and challenge myself to prove it. It's like I don't care who I sit in front of, I think...yeah you think I am a fatty but I can do just as well or as best as the elite members in class. I am strong, I am me, I am not vulnerable, outside without the safety of class, out of the safety of those that know my journey I feel ashamed. But in class, I am a rock star and that's what I need to feel to get me started again.

I realize and can openly admit now that I have an extreme sense of shame with going to the gym. Due to my weight gain I feel like I am being judged for how I look now in comparison to two years ago, when I lost 89 lbs I am ashamed that I gained the weight back and I am a statistic. I walked today on the furthest back treadmill and examined the calendar with 3x3x3 plan 3 lbs by 3 lbs by 3 lbs will get me somewhere, not fast, not slow but get me there. That's what's important.

So this is what I did yesterday while we were at the gym, yes ...we. the whole crew went to the gym. trey go up and announced we were all going and everyone complied. i had a meltdown moment and a good cry and then I decided to stop the self pity attitude that is so counterproductive and get real. Yes for 2 years I have been living in the past ashamed and embarrassed and hiding to most the environments that remind me and accuse me of this weight gain. My old job, the gym mainly.

But you can't hide an you can't blame the world and everyone else when you fail. So here I am 2013 trying to make this my year AGAIN. Financially, physically and spiritually. The amazing thing is that when you are a rock star you really are a rock star nothing is impossible. Here I go.

2009 June -238 lbs
2009 July 29- 207lbs
2009 oct 21- 184lbs
2009 dec- 170 lbs
Weight 159 lbs early 2010
Feb2010 cut hair short
July 2010 Ryan visits
Sept 2010 grandpa passes
Got lost August 2010-
Nov 2010 ran marathon
Lost late 2010- 2011
2011- paying bills- sept merger
2011retirement party nov
2012- embarrassed and guilty
2012- hearing aids
August 2012 start at KWON
Even more lost in every way possible
Early 2013- get it together

I am incredibly humbled by my previous account of my weight loss journey in 2009 and how quickly I lost track of my purpose in 2010 and for two years how I have been reliving the guilt and embarrassment of allowing myself to be overweight and disconnected from my responsibility of being a good example for my ever growing children. I have been reviewing my blog for the past hour and can't believe I let it all go. One incredibly weird thing I noted was that 3 years ago almost to the date I cut my hair short unfortunately for two very different reasons then and now.