Little did I know that this weightloss journey would turn into a path far greater than physical changes. The challenge I embarked upon June 2009 has been one of brutally introspective moments facing shame, accusation, and finally absolution. But primarily it was a journey filled with reward and enlightment. Today it strenghtens me to realize I accomplished a great task and NEVER GAVE UP!Even today in 2011
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I haven't been sentimental lately... thanks sunshine for brightening up my day, i SURE NEEDED IT
so it started late last night, somewhere between the physical pain from my sore knees and the exhaustion of my soul. That time of day when my head wants to rest its weary head on my pillow to find its peace and tranquility and then its cruely reminded of how incomplete my life is without knowledge if my oldest has eaten today, does he have any help with his homework, what clothes did he where today to school?, and the answer of the question that lingers in my soul daily... does he need me? Does he miss me, as much as I miss him?
I sent one of those self pity text reminders of only contacting me when he needs money or when he has a subject that I am so far removed from that he only wants my reaction rather than my input.
This morning I get a response of a quote of 'to one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible"
then i miss ya mom is what he wrote. to this my strength weakens and my heart crumbles
i respond.only by faith have i beeb able withstand my life going on without being able to see, smell, or touch you every day. Only by faith i ccalm my sadden soul when it wants to wallow in self pity of its loss. Only by faith, does my memories reminds my heart of all its triumphs of homework, and field trips, and class activities, and talks at midnight rather that the missed proms, and plays, outings and 10th grade and 11th grade, and senior year I wish I could savor each second together. Only by faith... does my pride dry the tears of hurt and pain from your absence, only by faith does my body heal from the immense sadness that destroys me within. Only by faith, does my spirit continue to bear and sustain itself by sheer FAITH that one day, one day.... you will return to me... to us.
and he replys.
The wind blows memories across the land. Only a memory of a child's hand. Your tears fill a pool of forgotten hugs and kisses. Awaiting till the sun dries it all and the wind stops and the child's hand in yours that he misses. Those needing eyes and wanting mind, naive and curious. Running into a cave hoping there will be light. He doesn't cry anymore. He has become numb to the world. But everyday he triesw to soar. This evil and cruel world where there is no one to trust. But he has turned his back on those who truely love him. Those who will never leave he has taken for granted. Heartbroken of his sins and family abandoned. he will try to make them proud, not by grades or money but by independence, how? He will follow his dreans an dtake on the teams of demons who seem to grant his wishes and satisfy pleasures and will his dishes and he will take on measures and scores of locked doors in attempt to prove he can make it. A simple life is how he lives. A modes proposal is his wish. Help me and i'll be back. Give me more time, let my work react and soon i will be in your arms and i'll be crying and you'll be laughing and chickachop will be flexing and primo will be smiling, and gaby will be singing, and chris will be falling, and trey will be working, and aaron will be eating and tio will be drinking, and lita will be cooking, and lito will be preaching and tias will be crazy, and you will be talking and ii won't be listening and i will be home again and in the end nothing has changed.
wow... deep huh?
I sent one of those self pity text reminders of only contacting me when he needs money or when he has a subject that I am so far removed from that he only wants my reaction rather than my input.
This morning I get a response of a quote of 'to one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible"
then i miss ya mom is what he wrote. to this my strength weakens and my heart crumbles
i respond.only by faith have i beeb able withstand my life going on without being able to see, smell, or touch you every day. Only by faith i ccalm my sadden soul when it wants to wallow in self pity of its loss. Only by faith, does my memories reminds my heart of all its triumphs of homework, and field trips, and class activities, and talks at midnight rather that the missed proms, and plays, outings and 10th grade and 11th grade, and senior year I wish I could savor each second together. Only by faith... does my pride dry the tears of hurt and pain from your absence, only by faith does my body heal from the immense sadness that destroys me within. Only by faith, does my spirit continue to bear and sustain itself by sheer FAITH that one day, one day.... you will return to me... to us.
and he replys.
The wind blows memories across the land. Only a memory of a child's hand. Your tears fill a pool of forgotten hugs and kisses. Awaiting till the sun dries it all and the wind stops and the child's hand in yours that he misses. Those needing eyes and wanting mind, naive and curious. Running into a cave hoping there will be light. He doesn't cry anymore. He has become numb to the world. But everyday he triesw to soar. This evil and cruel world where there is no one to trust. But he has turned his back on those who truely love him. Those who will never leave he has taken for granted. Heartbroken of his sins and family abandoned. he will try to make them proud, not by grades or money but by independence, how? He will follow his dreans an dtake on the teams of demons who seem to grant his wishes and satisfy pleasures and will his dishes and he will take on measures and scores of locked doors in attempt to prove he can make it. A simple life is how he lives. A modes proposal is his wish. Help me and i'll be back. Give me more time, let my work react and soon i will be in your arms and i'll be crying and you'll be laughing and chickachop will be flexing and primo will be smiling, and gaby will be singing, and chris will be falling, and trey will be working, and aaron will be eating and tio will be drinking, and lita will be cooking, and lito will be preaching and tias will be crazy, and you will be talking and ii won't be listening and i will be home again and in the end nothing has changed.
wow... deep huh?
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I have many incomplete tasks in my life. Some that i will openly admit too, like weight issues, home organizational duties, and spirituality. Others that are deeply hidden, never to be shared with others due to a sense of vulnerability, shame, and inadequacy. These will die in my grave unless they come to fruition. I have never considered myself a procrastinator, rather I have come to admit that my "procrastinator in denial" selftitled is still just that. PROCRASTINATION of something needing to be completed.
It seems that I have the so called "ah-ha" moments at rather odd times in my life. Like this weekend, when i realized after so many compliments and kind words of congratulations that I am so ready to complete my uncompleted tasks in my life. That I am so worth it and ready to break through anything that has stumped me in the past and stopped me from doing what I want to do and am smart enough to do. I realized that I have things I want to accomplish. I have dreams and goals and tasks that I want to get to and places I want to be at that have eluded me thusfar. I have struggled with deep rooted guilt towards my lack of spirituality and commitment to the most High. I have been troubled by my lack of discipline in some of the most essential things in my life and I am admitting it and facing it. My youngest brother encouraged me regarding my creative side which I view as a hobby rather than a business opportunity. What I considered a minor and matter of fact project that I was constructing at the party in my eyes and compared as to what others viewed as amazing and far greater, I must admit now, to have a onsite, up to date, up to hour type of gift, with pictures of things going on present my even confuse the keenest of minds.
Many realized only with further detailed examination that the pictures were from the "actual event" taking place at the moment not from previous pictures. Yeah, that is quite remarkable thank you to my handy dandy $29.00 printer and my hubbys $50.00 pocket for the ink cartridge and paper pack- I just needed to have a that precise moment.
I also realized that I am deeply motivated by peoples' awareness of being healthy, eating right, and commitment to selfimprovement. I want to become a certified personal trainer and share... ok i admit....I want to PREACH what i have learned and how its changed me and YOU too can do it.
I have still other things regarding education and career goals. But today I can face it. Today I can choose to make a difference. Today, I made a start. TODAY i CHOOSE TO look at shame and inadequacy in the eyes and make the call. Today I started with my unfinished tasks and said.... I can and I will do it. With my accomplishment of weight loss I realize if I overcame the TOUGHEST battle in life... which was being overweight... and very overweight if I may add and learned how to battle it, combat it, and be on the winning side...physically, mentally and emotionally... all the other tasks seemeed so much simpler. TODAY, I made the call, today, I made the commitment, and today, I humbled myself and just held my head high... okay i mumbled a little bit and didnt look anyone in the face, but I made the step and will do it. Other things I did today were far more embarressing and trivial as they may seem to others-- for me they were major. Today, I can do anything I set my mind and heart too. And today.... I will list my unaccomplished goals and accomplish them one step by one step.... and will share in a little time longer when all is said and done. I saw it in my mind and the celebration at the time of fruition. So until then my lips are sealed and yet filled with the happiness of taking a step forward.
It seems that I have the so called "ah-ha" moments at rather odd times in my life. Like this weekend, when i realized after so many compliments and kind words of congratulations that I am so ready to complete my uncompleted tasks in my life. That I am so worth it and ready to break through anything that has stumped me in the past and stopped me from doing what I want to do and am smart enough to do. I realized that I have things I want to accomplish. I have dreams and goals and tasks that I want to get to and places I want to be at that have eluded me thusfar. I have struggled with deep rooted guilt towards my lack of spirituality and commitment to the most High. I have been troubled by my lack of discipline in some of the most essential things in my life and I am admitting it and facing it. My youngest brother encouraged me regarding my creative side which I view as a hobby rather than a business opportunity. What I considered a minor and matter of fact project that I was constructing at the party in my eyes and compared as to what others viewed as amazing and far greater, I must admit now, to have a onsite, up to date, up to hour type of gift, with pictures of things going on present my even confuse the keenest of minds.
Many realized only with further detailed examination that the pictures were from the "actual event" taking place at the moment not from previous pictures. Yeah, that is quite remarkable thank you to my handy dandy $29.00 printer and my hubbys $50.00 pocket for the ink cartridge and paper pack- I just needed to have a that precise moment.
I also realized that I am deeply motivated by peoples' awareness of being healthy, eating right, and commitment to selfimprovement. I want to become a certified personal trainer and share... ok i admit....I want to PREACH what i have learned and how its changed me and YOU too can do it.
I have still other things regarding education and career goals. But today I can face it. Today I can choose to make a difference. Today, I made a start. TODAY i CHOOSE TO look at shame and inadequacy in the eyes and make the call. Today I started with my unfinished tasks and said.... I can and I will do it. With my accomplishment of weight loss I realize if I overcame the TOUGHEST battle in life... which was being overweight... and very overweight if I may add and learned how to battle it, combat it, and be on the winning side...physically, mentally and emotionally... all the other tasks seemeed so much simpler. TODAY, I made the call, today, I made the commitment, and today, I humbled myself and just held my head high... okay i mumbled a little bit and didnt look anyone in the face, but I made the step and will do it. Other things I did today were far more embarressing and trivial as they may seem to others-- for me they were major. Today, I can do anything I set my mind and heart too. And today.... I will list my unaccomplished goals and accomplish them one step by one step.... and will share in a little time longer when all is said and done. I saw it in my mind and the celebration at the time of fruition. So until then my lips are sealed and yet filled with the happiness of taking a step forward.
Monday, February 8, 2010
the million $$$ answer to the question..."tremayne, so what do you think about your wife?"
So, the biggest question he has been asked recently has been... "what do you think of your "new and improved wife?"... he tells me on the way home... I don't know if it was appropriate to answer to everyone but all I wanted to say was...."She lost the weight for her, I just reaped the rewards".
.... yeah that is my husband, honesty to the core
How I feel about my husband... and our 13 years together...
My husband is a quiet, loyal, hardworking man. He thinks before he speaks, is kind hearted and selfless. He has been my comfort in my hardest trials and wisdom in
times of doubt. He has carried me through times of distress and panic and never let me whallow in pity or defeat. He shows his caring and soft side when I need it most. He is my accomplice in our weekly Saturday a.m. gossip sessions in bed and the keeper of secrets of my most vulnerable issues. He keeps our family together firmly with patience, realism, and dedication. For all those things that words cannot describe what you mean to me. I thank you. I give you my love, my admiration, my heart to take care of and my life to share.
Did I mention, he is a quiet man... After dancing one song the whole evening, missing the family picture because of running to walmart to get me a new printer cartridge for my onsite project at the party, standing and observing peacefully in the farthest corner of the room. Doesn't even drink a light beer or groove more than a finger tapping gesture to the irresistible beat of Billie Jean and He says to me on the way home... " that was a great party, that was the best family party I have been too". This cracks me up. Honey, I love you more than you can even imagine.
Happy Early Anniversary-- April 2nd 1997
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