Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Oh on a lighter note or heavier one in fact... LOL

I was reading some articles and the attention that all articles give to the weight that the BL have on the ranch and "now" they are 20 25 30 more but doing their thing still. I wonder slowly I feel like such a loser when in fact I'm right there! Keep keeping on! If you dont that when you fail! No sooner- a couple back steps are just that -dust yourself off and get back in the game! Life is wonderful! And so worth it. Sorry for the kafkaesque ramblings I've been posting from celly. I will put some thought and effort into it tomorrow :0)

Day 3 so Tim McGraw and angelina jolie got me through tonight

What a combination. It started with Tim McGraw... why we said goodbye. Then an all out YouTube marathon video of TM. came across I NEED YOU . wow! That's the immense and deep love everyone wants. Loved it! Live it! Stayed home tonight, no gym , dinner with kids, and some more new laptop- iTunes update. Finished off with THE CHANGELING. WOW! Still pissed but will make it through. I guess this movie meant so deeply to my son Ryan for the difficult plight this mother endures for her son. Got my new journal BL calories and gym notes one place. SimPlify! Okay so it's been a 2am for 3 days straight...I'm out! I'm good!!! PEACE

Monday, November 29, 2010


I came across a song by Matchbox 20 that I found quite interesting and fitting at this time where I am trying to get back to good.  One verse he says he doesnt know how to get back 2 good... I feel like that at times i feel like I'm and confused and unable to get back to my plight.  I know one thing is that I still have the desire to change things and keep on fighting and because of that I know I can.  I pulled up the last couple episodes of Biggest Loser which I have missed and its all the ammunition I needed.  The feelings, the reality of it all just was so heart wretching real that it pulls me in.  It pulls me to continue to overcome, to keep fighting.  This is not easy, it never has and you must keep reminding yourself of the reason, of the motivation, or the YOU, you want to find.  I am immensly motivated by the strength of the human spirit, the sheer will to survive, overcome and endure.  I am a WARRIOR!!! above all.  Today spin kicked my butt.  I didnt really want to go, i was justifying any reason to get me out of a grueling workout I so desperately needed.  Even Chris told me "wow, mom you havent gone to the gym in a while".  Yeah, I know! i drove in the direction of Golds and as soon as I got to the corner i turned and in my mind was excusing myself with the "mommy syndrome" you know the one that you feel guilty about doing something for yourself instead of the kids, the house, the laundry, the dinner...and I had to literally pull myself out of that and turn the truck around and go to spin class.  It was a perfect day to stay home, cold and wet and my 40 year old right knee was complaining. Yep! It had been a while. 

I am glad i went.  It kicked my butt, but I went and stayed.  No excuses! Keep it up! I love the quote by Bob Harper...."Stand up and Finish what you started!"....

its a daily struggle, but I have to get Back 2 Good, reteach myself what I already know and do it!  As I pedaled I repeated my mantra "Never give up"  "Keep Focused".  I truly needed that today.  I guess I must be happy with my accomplishments and remember its those little steps, those little victories that lead up to the big ones.  Stay focused! Keep the pace and celebrate!

the whole purpose of the mention of this song was in regards to my inner self doubt... and yet right now I can't seem to find the relevance, rather the challenge.  I am going to get BACK 2 GOOD.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

welcome back to my life

its been awhile... i could carry on with Staind verse, but i rather adjust my mindset and be positive :0)  The whole point is getting back to where i was. Feeling and knowing I was a WINNER, a champion, I had overcome, I had won, I was on top of it all and in control.  Sadly, I am not sure how i got diverted and ended up back at that dark hole of misery i once was helplessly trapped in with no bright lights at the end of the tunnel to look forward to.  I know and now recognize that it started in August with the failing health of my grandfather and eventual immenent passing that commenced this downfall. I was already iffy in July with the year mark of my success, restless and impatient to hit the next mark without the immediate result i wanted and interpreting it as failure, a feeling that was so foreign to me now. Far from the glorious moments, and daily vindication of onlookers who applauded my victory, I then resorted to hidden patterns of desperation which lead to unhealthy habits and a barrage of self criticism, incompetance and confusion.  Having to admit i somehow gained 15, 20, 25 lbs was spirit breaking. 

Unbeknowst to those around me, my previous cheerleaders, my coworkers, my siblings, the supportive spousal unit, and even my kids noone noticed the moment I changed back to the old me. In retrospect, I should of been able to recognize it myself alot sooner, but the power that emotions have on the body play immense role in health or detriment. Thats why the Biggest Loser series deals with not only the physical torment which each participant goes through, but the emotional, psychological awakening that must occur to change the long embedded cycle of failure.

I remember the seeing the hands over the ears as I screamed to Gaby and her  facial expressions and mumbling of contemptiousness growing clearer and clearer.  I unworthingly accepted the condolescent kisses of my son Chris who wise beyond his years was attempting to heal me when i couldnt do it for myself. Even the fairest man who kindly protects and caresses my heart,the one who attempts to calm my storm and ease my pain was without a clue on how to fix this one; stood patiently and unworthingly recieved the wrath of my despondent soul.  The quiet and innocent receiptant of my bitter deameanor.  I echoed my discontentment and confused spirit so vilely that I couldn't see that I was back to where i started, pass to where i started. Because now I knew better.

Its been 2 months since my grandfather passed and I can now recognize that it was what seemed to have rattled that deep down place where I had sorted all out once before.  MY inner being who had overcome the guilt, the unworthiness, the shame, the anger the pain was all reopened and my ego could not take having to encounter it yet again.  The feeling came roaring back in so many dimensions and directions that I didnt see it coming or imagined its consequence.  I feel into the trap of trying to solve it all, and wanting to be in the midst of the solution, wanting not to spare a moments waste at any cost literal, emotional, and physical.

I learned my place and the quiet satisfaction of realizing only later that I was holding his hand at the very beginning of this ordeal and held it at the very last. At the hospital, the day of his diagnosis, I cuddled his warm, wrinkled hands, that pressed against mine in gratitude of a friendly face who accepted his pride, who didnt look at him with pity rather immense respect, who ignored his vulnerability, his fear and uncertainty. I talked and held his hand and retold old stories and jokes that my heart pretended to heal as the stitches were to his forehead.  For 7 weeks i visited, and observed, and laughed, and took pictures as if this would somehow lessen the blow that was about to occur.  But at the end, the very end, the peace, tranquility and his final heart beats I, too felt as I held his hand one last time and realized, I was holding it at the very end as well.

I visited my unconsolable grandmother who mentioned him as her life long companion such with such veneration that touched me so deeply.  Can you truly love like this? Can you feel pain like this? Can you survive this loss?  Her dear and sadden eyes were too much to bear. I enjoyed the brief company of my sister who had her own feelings to resolve.  I saw my mother become her oldself briefly -in the days leading up to his passing, planning and taking care of matters as she had always done until she too was ridden was an unforgiving disease.  She quickly reverted back to her weakened and fragile state and continues to do so up to today.  I took pictures, was given many, and exchanged communications with many who I don't see often and will seeeven less. The feelings are geniune but the time and commitment to your own immediate family life are unforgiving.

It happened- the sadness, and guilt crept up again.  I reasoned that if I was able bodied to spend this time and energy with my dying grandfather and then lonely and sad grandmother now- what about my own mother, who dwells on her condition far greater than most and is locked in the downward spiral of denial rather than the solution.  I don't know why I allowed to happened, but I did.  I am amazed at the human spirit of endurance and strength. I admire people who overcome and triumph.  I had experienced it, I had lived, I had fought for it with tears, and sweat, and pain.  I had fought for it, why does she NOT.  The one you love with all your being and you can't understand the detachment from acceptability, and responsability.  My unrealistic desire to change the inevitable. My need for her to experience a life change as I did. My guilt that I overcame and she cannot.

The okays you keep telling yourself, the "its okay" and "tomorrow" and "next week" and "but I feel sad" and all the other bullshit you justify your bad choices with are weakness and acceptance that its okay to give up.  To give in to the pity and self-loathing. I had inched up week after week the 2-3 lbs I was use to losing, I was gaining now.  I hated that I couldnt fit into my size 8 skinny jeans and the bulge along my waist was getting more than just a pinch.  I hated that the scale was accusing me when my mind and soul was condoning my appaling behavior. 

I ate without regards to what I knew, I ate in response to anger, pain, guilt and unhappiness. I didnt follow my regimen of exercise or healthy habits. I went for the quick fix, the fast foods were the immediate solution, the late treats were the salve. The scale is unforgiving and the soul is the accusatory where knowledge and wisdom fail to reason with the obvious. Not even when I had to break down and buy a size 12 pants again for a meeting which I swore I would never do. The point came after one of "my episodes" I was hungry from eating horribly and waiting way too long to plan what I was doing, I walked in to a grocery store and walked and walked around and found myself totally lost in mind and spirit.  I just walked up and down the aisle as if between the oreo's and poptarts I was going to find the solution to my hunger, anger, and discontentment.  I knew I had hit the bottom, in 50 lbs less, but 30 lbs more than I had been able to accomplish. 

As it stands now I weight 189 having been at 159. Yes a whooping 30 lbs more. A sad fact that I had to face straight on.  It made me go back to the very start and pull out the Tosca Reno's.  I treasured these as the weight loss secret bible. The journal I so religioiusly inputed every single morsel of what i ate and how i fully committed to being healthy in mind and body.  I wrote of my feelings and accomplishments in clothing and settling the demons that abated my peace.  I once again must follow the path that brought me resolution and tranquility.  That took off the fat and weight and disatisfaction.  I must once again learn to judge my steps and intentions in this battle. I must seize every moment to accomplish the task at hand and only then I can acclaim the victory. I can reclaim my P.E.A.C.E. emotionally, and physically.

I pick this avenue once again to voice my inner quest for absolute happiness, is there such a thing?... well, all I can be sure of is that.  I do not have it now, but I have regained the WILL to change the will to stand up again and face the things i hate and the things i want to change, and the strength that I must regain.  It will be a hard battle, but I am willing yet again to be a WINNER. soon enough.

The spiritual side, wow! that is a whole other story for another day.