HUMAN OR HUMANE

I finally decided to take it by the reigns again... oh! remember the whole weightloss issue thing.  Yeah that!  I have jokingly been saying that I have been on a 6 month haitus, sabbatical if you will.  Well, unfortunately the joke has been on me. I have gained 25+ lbs and a really mean spirit to boot. Most of you would not recognize me during my "spaz attacks" as my family has titled them.  I don't recognize myself actually. 

But I decided it was time.  I have gone through all the excuses that I self imposed in the last months and I can't think of any more.  So here I am left with facing the truth and having to do something about it.  Not that many were not well founded or merit the attention given  as was Ryan's visit in the summer where I finally realized as a parent that you must live and let live or the agonizing 2 months we had to say Goodbye to my grandfather which was not nearly enough or the guilt I burden myself when i musn't. and the first regained 10lbs and then the next 5 lbs and the covert operation to hide those which got me to this predicament of gaining 25+ You realize that I just can't be honest about the actual number.  Its funny how many lies we tell ourselves to comfort, conceal and conquer the moment.

I finally realized two things this weekend. First of all, that I kept using little" 6 month hiatus" line to ease the accusation of neglect or lose of control and commitment.  But wasn't I at this weight before and did I have all this fingers pointing at me and telling me I was fat and a loser?  No.  So why was I judging myself so harshly?  Not one person, thankfully, had come up to me and said..."Oh God, your fat again".  "Oh my, you have gained weight".  Okay, well my mom, did about 2 weeks ago when my big ass was smack infront of her when I was trying to play a DVD and couldnt get it and therefore I guess that there was nothing else to pay attention to than that and she kindly inquired (cough) "Raquel, are you gaining weight?".  Yes siree! Well the rest of my associates, coworkers, and family members have been all to kind to not bring it up to my attention, rather to my detriment.  But the true fact is that nobody notices, if you have gained a couple pounds, what they do notice is your lost of stride, your lack of umpf, your loss of stardom.  Because when you are on a mission, your eyes glisten, you speak with enthusiasm and confidence.  You dress and walk and even put on makeup with a purpose, you rise and shine brightly, but when you lose your focus, you lose your stardom power.  I lost it briefly and am back to reclaim my title.

What did I want to do now? continue to bitch about it or do something?  I have a picture as my background on my laptop which was an attempt at bragging about how many calories I had burned at one of my workouts,  but unbeknowst at the moment, I got an awesome picture of my thin, shapely, muscular legs, tanned and toned.  A picture taken over the summer which was definately made for braggin' rights and I titled it "when I was a superstar".  The title actually came from my daughter a couple weeks ago, i was going through some pictures and she came across one from May at a wedding that Trey and I went too and I was at my prime and she said, "mom, that was when you were a superstar".  A line that has stayed with me.  I like to be a good example. I like to be in control. Oh, lets not lie to ourselves and say that its not about power, because it is.  Its all about the power. I like to have the power to say no to the "nutty butty" I so wanted to eat last night The power of feeling great.  The power of self control. The power of commitment.  The power of being the superstar in your life.

Second: reminds me that we are SOOO human. Yes us. The creatures with such enviable intelligence,  creatures with the indestructible spirit to rise above. Creatures that defy all odds to conquer the unconquerable.  Creatures of passion and goodwill. Creatures made to care, To believe. Yes us, these same creatures, including admittedly myself included that deprecate, belittle, ridicule and gloat at another's loss... or gain...that is. 

I was having some alone with the spousal unit with our oh-too consipicious tag along, Gaby( who talks too much and hears even more). We were sitting at the local DD with our freshly brewed java and some incriminating delicious munchkins when, dear God-can I go anywhere that I musn't see someone from the gym? Thanks, that all I need another reminder of my grotesque inadequacy.  When out of the corner of my eye, I turned to look a little closer.  "Wow, she has gained some weight. "yeah, she has gained alot of weight".  "She always wears tanks at the gym", look at her midsection, she definately gained weight".  I continued to look at her, and repeat a couple more unsolicited observations that were more for my hurt ego than hers.  Then the husband speaks, the man who speaks no evil, simply says, "It happens, its winter".  I don't know if it was his comment or the realization that the comments were more to appease my debacle than her minor infraction.

As humans we must percieve a win, we must taste it, we must revel in it to see the
light at the end of the tunnel.  Its pretty sad when I think about it---because that was not myself thinking or talking, but the method that brought me to realize- that I am NOT the only one who has UPS and DOWNS. I am not the only one who goes through changes. I am not the only who struggles.I am NOT the only human who felt a momentary sense of gratification at the cost of comparison to an unbeknowst innocent party. 

I am human and I will rise up, and I will succeed and I will conquer. Now hear me roar! 
NEVER GIVE UP!

so lost and allowing myself to find it again... yet again

it seems like I have been lost lately, without meaning, without a plan, without confidence.... or a fight to fight.  Unsure what to do or where to begin.  I know what to do but can't bring myself to do it.  I see my age, my experience right infront me, in the mirror when i shift my bangs just a tad to the right to cover my patch of grey which unapologetically grows right in the center of my hairline. I have hit the age when you are smart enough to know better, but wise enough to allow it to show through with vengance and no shame.  Where you wear your age with pride and the experience as a badge.  Where you can agree to disagree and know when to remain silent and let others do the talking-- mostly to their detriment. Where you can enjoy and trust, and love without reserve. Where you are comfortable within your enviornment and stick with your boring routines. Yet I work with ones that are younger, some MUCH younger.  Many that I admire and mentor as I once was and others that the sheer ignorance and lack of substance is tiring. I see youth in a whole new light and yet with some distrust. I still hold on to the reasonableness and the methodical routine of life makes so much more sense to me.

Why at 40, do I still look for more, know I can accomplish more.  I look for more, i want more..... I search for something that I lack... Maybe its the ROCK STARDOM that i once had... not too long ago. When I was 159 lbs. where I made a difference in my life. I have steadily increased in weight and have lost the shine, the stardom and maybe thats where my problem lies.  I focus and remember and dwell on that fact instead of the glorious feeling of 159 lbs.  Maybe its that I forgot that wondrous feeling and need to focus on that.  I have to.  I have to remember what that was like.  What I felt like.  I have read and I know that you must see yourself thin, you must do everything as if you were there.  I remember I never bought clothes again in a BIG size once I started this journey.  I would do the opposite buy smaller clothes and work towards fitting into it. 

I need to remember the strict and grandious feeling of NEVER GIVING UP.  I remember the tears the sweat, the immense dedication of what i believed in.  It is unfair that so many are made so differently, its not a battle to them, its not difficult for them to pass on indulgence. Yes its unfair, move on!  i NEED TO FOCUS THE FEELING OF SUCCESS, CONFIDENCE.... that i use to ooze... that is my goal

Oh on a lighter note or heavier one in fact... LOL

I was reading some articles and the attention that all articles give to the weight that the BL have on the ranch and "now" they are 20 25 30 more but doing their thing still. I wonder slowly I feel like such a loser when in fact I'm right there! Keep keeping on! If you dont that when you fail! No sooner- a couple back steps are just that -dust yourself off and get back in the game! Life is wonderful! And so worth it. Sorry for the kafkaesque ramblings I've been posting from celly. I will put some thought and effort into it tomorrow :0)

Day 3 so Tim McGraw and angelina jolie got me through tonight

What a combination. It started with Tim McGraw... why we said goodbye. Then an all out YouTube marathon video of TM. came across I NEED YOU . wow! That's the immense and deep love everyone wants. Loved it! Live it! Stayed home tonight, no gym , dinner with kids, and some more new laptop- iTunes update. Finished off with THE CHANGELING. WOW! Still pissed but will make it through. I guess this movie meant so deeply to my son Ryan for the difficult plight this mother endures for her son. Got my new journal BL calories and gym notes one place. SimPlify! Okay so it's been a 2am for 3 days straight...I'm out! I'm good!!! PEACE

DAY 2 ... BACK 2 GOOD

I came across a song by Matchbox 20 that I found quite interesting and fitting at this time where I am trying to get back to good.  One verse he says he doesnt know how to get back 2 good... I feel like that at times i feel like I'm and confused and unable to get back to my plight.  I know one thing is that I still have the desire to change things and keep on fighting and because of that I know I can.  I pulled up the last couple episodes of Biggest Loser which I have missed and its all the ammunition I needed.  The feelings, the reality of it all just was so heart wretching real that it pulls me in.  It pulls me to continue to overcome, to keep fighting.  This is not easy, it never has and you must keep reminding yourself of the reason, of the motivation, or the YOU, you want to find.  I am immensly motivated by the strength of the human spirit, the sheer will to survive, overcome and endure.  I am a WARRIOR!!! above all.  Today spin kicked my butt.  I didnt really want to go, i was justifying any reason to get me out of a grueling workout I so desperately needed.  Even Chris told me "wow, mom you havent gone to the gym in a while".  Yeah, I know! i drove in the direction of Golds and as soon as I got to the corner i turned and in my mind was excusing myself with the "mommy syndrome" you know the one that you feel guilty about doing something for yourself instead of the kids, the house, the laundry, the dinner...and I had to literally pull myself out of that and turn the truck around and go to spin class.  It was a perfect day to stay home, cold and wet and my 40 year old right knee was complaining. Yep! It had been a while. 

I am glad i went.  It kicked my butt, but I went and stayed.  No excuses! Keep it up! I love the quote by Bob Harper...."Stand up and Finish what you started!"....

its a daily struggle, but I have to get Back 2 Good, reteach myself what I already know and do it!  As I pedaled I repeated my mantra "Never give up"  "Keep Focused".  I truly needed that today.  I guess I must be happy with my accomplishments and remember its those little steps, those little victories that lead up to the big ones.  Stay focused! Keep the pace and celebrate!

the whole purpose of the mention of this song was in regards to my inner self doubt... and yet right now I can't seem to find the relevance, rather the challenge.  I am going to get BACK 2 GOOD.

welcome back to my life

its been awhile... i could carry on with Staind verse, but i rather adjust my mindset and be positive :0)  The whole point is getting back to where i was. Feeling and knowing I was a WINNER, a champion, I had overcome, I had won, I was on top of it all and in control.  Sadly, I am not sure how i got diverted and ended up back at that dark hole of misery i once was helplessly trapped in with no bright lights at the end of the tunnel to look forward to.  I know and now recognize that it started in August with the failing health of my grandfather and eventual immenent passing that commenced this downfall. I was already iffy in July with the year mark of my success, restless and impatient to hit the next mark without the immediate result i wanted and interpreting it as failure, a feeling that was so foreign to me now. Far from the glorious moments, and daily vindication of onlookers who applauded my victory, I then resorted to hidden patterns of desperation which lead to unhealthy habits and a barrage of self criticism, incompetance and confusion.  Having to admit i somehow gained 15, 20, 25 lbs was spirit breaking. 

Unbeknowst to those around me, my previous cheerleaders, my coworkers, my siblings, the supportive spousal unit, and even my kids noone noticed the moment I changed back to the old me. In retrospect, I should of been able to recognize it myself alot sooner, but the power that emotions have on the body play immense role in health or detriment. Thats why the Biggest Loser series deals with not only the physical torment which each participant goes through, but the emotional, psychological awakening that must occur to change the long embedded cycle of failure.

I remember the seeing the hands over the ears as I screamed to Gaby and her  facial expressions and mumbling of contemptiousness growing clearer and clearer.  I unworthingly accepted the condolescent kisses of my son Chris who wise beyond his years was attempting to heal me when i couldnt do it for myself. Even the fairest man who kindly protects and caresses my heart,the one who attempts to calm my storm and ease my pain was without a clue on how to fix this one; stood patiently and unworthingly recieved the wrath of my despondent soul.  The quiet and innocent receiptant of my bitter deameanor.  I echoed my discontentment and confused spirit so vilely that I couldn't see that I was back to where i started, pass to where i started. Because now I knew better.

Its been 2 months since my grandfather passed and I can now recognize that it was what seemed to have rattled that deep down place where I had sorted all out once before.  MY inner being who had overcome the guilt, the unworthiness, the shame, the anger the pain was all reopened and my ego could not take having to encounter it yet again.  The feeling came roaring back in so many dimensions and directions that I didnt see it coming or imagined its consequence.  I feel into the trap of trying to solve it all, and wanting to be in the midst of the solution, wanting not to spare a moments waste at any cost literal, emotional, and physical.

I learned my place and the quiet satisfaction of realizing only later that I was holding his hand at the very beginning of this ordeal and held it at the very last. At the hospital, the day of his diagnosis, I cuddled his warm, wrinkled hands, that pressed against mine in gratitude of a friendly face who accepted his pride, who didnt look at him with pity rather immense respect, who ignored his vulnerability, his fear and uncertainty. I talked and held his hand and retold old stories and jokes that my heart pretended to heal as the stitches were to his forehead.  For 7 weeks i visited, and observed, and laughed, and took pictures as if this would somehow lessen the blow that was about to occur.  But at the end, the very end, the peace, tranquility and his final heart beats I, too felt as I held his hand one last time and realized, I was holding it at the very end as well.

I visited my unconsolable grandmother who mentioned him as her life long companion such with such veneration that touched me so deeply.  Can you truly love like this? Can you feel pain like this? Can you survive this loss?  Her dear and sadden eyes were too much to bear. I enjoyed the brief company of my sister who had her own feelings to resolve.  I saw my mother become her oldself briefly -in the days leading up to his passing, planning and taking care of matters as she had always done until she too was ridden was an unforgiving disease.  She quickly reverted back to her weakened and fragile state and continues to do so up to today.  I took pictures, was given many, and exchanged communications with many who I don't see often and will seeeven less. The feelings are geniune but the time and commitment to your own immediate family life are unforgiving.

It happened- the sadness, and guilt crept up again.  I reasoned that if I was able bodied to spend this time and energy with my dying grandfather and then lonely and sad grandmother now- what about my own mother, who dwells on her condition far greater than most and is locked in the downward spiral of denial rather than the solution.  I don't know why I allowed to happened, but I did.  I am amazed at the human spirit of endurance and strength. I admire people who overcome and triumph.  I had experienced it, I had lived, I had fought for it with tears, and sweat, and pain.  I had fought for it, why does she NOT.  The one you love with all your being and you can't understand the detachment from acceptability, and responsability.  My unrealistic desire to change the inevitable. My need for her to experience a life change as I did. My guilt that I overcame and she cannot.

The okays you keep telling yourself, the "its okay" and "tomorrow" and "next week" and "but I feel sad" and all the other bullshit you justify your bad choices with are weakness and acceptance that its okay to give up.  To give in to the pity and self-loathing. I had inched up week after week the 2-3 lbs I was use to losing, I was gaining now.  I hated that I couldnt fit into my size 8 skinny jeans and the bulge along my waist was getting more than just a pinch.  I hated that the scale was accusing me when my mind and soul was condoning my appaling behavior. 

I ate without regards to what I knew, I ate in response to anger, pain, guilt and unhappiness. I didnt follow my regimen of exercise or healthy habits. I went for the quick fix, the fast foods were the immediate solution, the late treats were the salve. The scale is unforgiving and the soul is the accusatory where knowledge and wisdom fail to reason with the obvious. Not even when I had to break down and buy a size 12 pants again for a meeting which I swore I would never do. The point came after one of "my episodes" I was hungry from eating horribly and waiting way too long to plan what I was doing, I walked in to a grocery store and walked and walked around and found myself totally lost in mind and spirit.  I just walked up and down the aisle as if between the oreo's and poptarts I was going to find the solution to my hunger, anger, and discontentment.  I knew I had hit the bottom, in 50 lbs less, but 30 lbs more than I had been able to accomplish. 

As it stands now I weight 189 having been at 159. Yes a whooping 30 lbs more. A sad fact that I had to face straight on.  It made me go back to the very start and pull out the Tosca Reno's.  I treasured these as the weight loss secret bible. The journal I so religioiusly inputed every single morsel of what i ate and how i fully committed to being healthy in mind and body.  I wrote of my feelings and accomplishments in clothing and settling the demons that abated my peace.  I once again must follow the path that brought me resolution and tranquility.  That took off the fat and weight and disatisfaction.  I must once again learn to judge my steps and intentions in this battle. I must seize every moment to accomplish the task at hand and only then I can acclaim the victory. I can reclaim my P.E.A.C.E. emotionally, and physically.

I pick this avenue once again to voice my inner quest for absolute happiness, is there such a thing?... well, all I can be sure of is that.  I do not have it now, but I have regained the WILL to change the will to stand up again and face the things i hate and the things i want to change, and the strength that I must regain.  It will be a hard battle, but I am willing yet again to be a WINNER. soon enough.



The spiritual side, wow! that is a whole other story for another day.

Dinner