Wednesday, December 22, 2010

so lost and allowing myself to find it again... yet again

it seems like I have been lost lately, without meaning, without a plan, without confidence.... or a fight to fight.  Unsure what to do or where to begin.  I know what to do but can't bring myself to do it.  I see my age, my experience right infront me, in the mirror when i shift my bangs just a tad to the right to cover my patch of grey which unapologetically grows right in the center of my hairline. I have hit the age when you are smart enough to know better, but wise enough to allow it to show through with vengance and no shame.  Where you wear your age with pride and the experience as a badge.  Where you can agree to disagree and know when to remain silent and let others do the talking-- mostly to their detriment. Where you can enjoy and trust, and love without reserve. Where you are comfortable within your enviornment and stick with your boring routines. Yet I work with ones that are younger, some MUCH younger.  Many that I admire and mentor as I once was and others that the sheer ignorance and lack of substance is tiring. I see youth in a whole new light and yet with some distrust. I still hold on to the reasonableness and the methodical routine of life makes so much more sense to me.

Why at 40, do I still look for more, know I can accomplish more.  I look for more, i want more..... I search for something that I lack... Maybe its the ROCK STARDOM that i once had... not too long ago. When I was 159 lbs. where I made a difference in my life. I have steadily increased in weight and have lost the shine, the stardom and maybe thats where my problem lies.  I focus and remember and dwell on that fact instead of the glorious feeling of 159 lbs.  Maybe its that I forgot that wondrous feeling and need to focus on that.  I have to.  I have to remember what that was like.  What I felt like.  I have read and I know that you must see yourself thin, you must do everything as if you were there.  I remember I never bought clothes again in a BIG size once I started this journey.  I would do the opposite buy smaller clothes and work towards fitting into it. 

I need to remember the strict and grandious feeling of NEVER GIVING UP.  I remember the tears the sweat, the immense dedication of what i believed in.  It is unfair that so many are made so differently, its not a battle to them, its not difficult for them to pass on indulgence. Yes its unfair, move on!  i NEED TO FOCUS THE FEELING OF SUCCESS, CONFIDENCE.... that i use to ooze... that is my goal

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