Little did I know that this weightloss journey would turn into a path far greater than physical changes. The challenge I embarked upon June 2009 has been one of brutally introspective moments facing shame, accusation, and finally absolution. But primarily it was a journey filled with reward and enlightment. Today it strenghtens me to realize I accomplished a great task and NEVER GAVE UP!Even today in 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
what it takes to be a leader?
some days I feel so grossely inadequate, to carry a label that I can't fulfill. I carry a weight whether imagined or literal that burdens my every decision and choice. From simple to complex, they are mine to bear. How should I answer to that comment? How should I handle this situation? Should I go to lunch or eat at my desk? Do I let that one slide or handle it swiftly?
Today, I came across another lesson and eventhough, my mind tells me to look at things in the correct perspective, my heart is burdened by me caring too much. I love what I do, I love to talk, I love to win over, I love to be approachable, I love to resolve the ENORMOUS CRISIS at hand, whether its, "I want a red balloon, not the blue one", or "I just got the message now and I do not understand why my appointment has been cancelled if I made this appointment 6 months ago, and no that new appointment time will NOT work". I love to be the go to person, I love to solve the pending doom. I love to also be the teacher, mentor, the closer, the healer. (The latter two always seem to bite me in the butt more often than not).
But back to the lesson. Today, I was in the verge of new territory for me... delegating... that word, that task, that job in the job that must be done. Yeah, well one of my new staff members asked where they could find name labels for some charts that were unlabeled. I said, you will have to wait until I print them up.... "But, if you want to print them up, I can show how to do it", I eagerly thought this was my chance, my chance to prove that I was able and willing to DELEGATE this task to a willing team member. So, I attached my file to an email, emailed the document to the availible computer, open document, set the document up and proceeded to show the team member how to enter the information, etc. I am letting go. Balance. Delegating. Good. After awhile, even I had forgot about it, the team member came up inquiring on the label stickers. Oh wow! the list was done, the labeling would soon be complete. I was excited, really excited, the list is in the computer now all it needs to be printed and the labels to be stuck on the charts. One of my job duties was successfully handled by another and the world actually didnt collapse. I am on a roll I thought-Dave and Jon would be proud of me. Okay, here goes, I gave the label printing paper up and without too much instruction, mentioned matter of factly, over my shoulder, scurrying back to my desk, "Just be sure you put it in the tray correctly, almost regretting saying it as soon as the words came out. A few moments later, I see the redden face of the team member back at my desk, wishing I had been more clear on my instruction. I kindly smile and make sure that I am going to use this opportunity to teach rather than scold and show the team member on how I was taught ;) that all printers, scanner, copiers have a little cheat diagram to look at when placing the correct placement of paper in the tray. We get thru this hurdle yet again victoriously and I leave promptly as to NOT TAKE OVER as my daughter has reminded me that I do- when someone doesnt do things exactly like I want them done- (who me?) I am back at my desk and have several observe that I am AHEAD of the game today, my charts are not piled up, as I really have been practicing BALANCE in the last (2) days with not spreading myself too thin, where I look hurried and hustling, rather than resolving and helping. So the day has gone well, all caught up and making the last few posting of the end of the day. The loudness of the back office tells me its close to 4:30pm and my evening individual good=bye of the Doctor assures me its quiting time. Yeah, quitting time, remember that? I obviously DO NOT. Well, as the crew files in to sign out on the time sheet. I get the most disheartening reminder that I have yet so much to learn. Is it me? The pile handed back to my desk with a sheepish comment which my facial expression must of asked the question that did not come out of my mouth. But all I heard was: " I didn't finish". Honestly, It wasn't the fact that they didn't finish sticking the labels on the charts. I think that the action itself - UNDONE is not what felt like the punch in my gut, it was that with 2 to 3 minutes left to quitting time- the initiative to FINISH THE TASK was not even an option for this team member. I was at a loss for words and choose to remain silent than add insult to injury which apparently was only mine.
All I could hear in my head was.... and this is why I do not delegate. I cannot take the agony of failure -once again apparently only mine. Does it really mean failure to not have taken the couple minutes to finish sticking the labels on? No, definately not. But the failure that I couldn't motivate that team member to have WANTED to finish, to complete the task, to stayed the extra 2-3 minutes that it took (me) to complete it.
The lesson, the lesson... well thats the point NOONE LEARNED A LESSON, Noone, not I, not the team member. In reviewing this in my mind and now in writing... it all seems jumbled up, but should I responded: "well we have a couple more minutes why don't we complete it together, I'll be happy to help you finish", or maybe, "Okay, well lets make sure we complete this on Friday".
Why did this affect me so? Because I care too much?! Nobody won today. I sure as heck didn't. Why do I feel like such a failure at times and so inadequately trained to help others care enough to take that "extra step" in doing what they do. I will not stop, i will not deter because-- because I care too much. May the lesson from Zig and John continue to help me become who I want to be a leader who cares much!
Today, I came across another lesson and eventhough, my mind tells me to look at things in the correct perspective, my heart is burdened by me caring too much. I love what I do, I love to talk, I love to win over, I love to be approachable, I love to resolve the ENORMOUS CRISIS at hand, whether its, "I want a red balloon, not the blue one", or "I just got the message now and I do not understand why my appointment has been cancelled if I made this appointment 6 months ago, and no that new appointment time will NOT work". I love to be the go to person, I love to solve the pending doom. I love to also be the teacher, mentor, the closer, the healer. (The latter two always seem to bite me in the butt more often than not).
But back to the lesson. Today, I was in the verge of new territory for me... delegating... that word, that task, that job in the job that must be done. Yeah, well one of my new staff members asked where they could find name labels for some charts that were unlabeled. I said, you will have to wait until I print them up.... "But, if you want to print them up, I can show how to do it", I eagerly thought this was my chance, my chance to prove that I was able and willing to DELEGATE this task to a willing team member. So, I attached my file to an email, emailed the document to the availible computer, open document, set the document up and proceeded to show the team member how to enter the information, etc. I am letting go. Balance. Delegating. Good. After awhile, even I had forgot about it, the team member came up inquiring on the label stickers. Oh wow! the list was done, the labeling would soon be complete. I was excited, really excited, the list is in the computer now all it needs to be printed and the labels to be stuck on the charts. One of my job duties was successfully handled by another and the world actually didnt collapse. I am on a roll I thought-Dave and Jon would be proud of me. Okay, here goes, I gave the label printing paper up and without too much instruction, mentioned matter of factly, over my shoulder, scurrying back to my desk, "Just be sure you put it in the tray correctly, almost regretting saying it as soon as the words came out. A few moments later, I see the redden face of the team member back at my desk, wishing I had been more clear on my instruction. I kindly smile and make sure that I am going to use this opportunity to teach rather than scold and show the team member on how I was taught ;) that all printers, scanner, copiers have a little cheat diagram to look at when placing the correct placement of paper in the tray. We get thru this hurdle yet again victoriously and I leave promptly as to NOT TAKE OVER as my daughter has reminded me that I do- when someone doesnt do things exactly like I want them done- (who me?) I am back at my desk and have several observe that I am AHEAD of the game today, my charts are not piled up, as I really have been practicing BALANCE in the last (2) days with not spreading myself too thin, where I look hurried and hustling, rather than resolving and helping. So the day has gone well, all caught up and making the last few posting of the end of the day. The loudness of the back office tells me its close to 4:30pm and my evening individual good=bye of the Doctor assures me its quiting time. Yeah, quitting time, remember that? I obviously DO NOT. Well, as the crew files in to sign out on the time sheet. I get the most disheartening reminder that I have yet so much to learn. Is it me? The pile handed back to my desk with a sheepish comment which my facial expression must of asked the question that did not come out of my mouth. But all I heard was: " I didn't finish". Honestly, It wasn't the fact that they didn't finish sticking the labels on the charts. I think that the action itself - UNDONE is not what felt like the punch in my gut, it was that with 2 to 3 minutes left to quitting time- the initiative to FINISH THE TASK was not even an option for this team member. I was at a loss for words and choose to remain silent than add insult to injury which apparently was only mine.
All I could hear in my head was.... and this is why I do not delegate. I cannot take the agony of failure -once again apparently only mine. Does it really mean failure to not have taken the couple minutes to finish sticking the labels on? No, definately not. But the failure that I couldn't motivate that team member to have WANTED to finish, to complete the task, to stayed the extra 2-3 minutes that it took (me) to complete it.
The lesson, the lesson... well thats the point NOONE LEARNED A LESSON, Noone, not I, not the team member. In reviewing this in my mind and now in writing... it all seems jumbled up, but should I responded: "well we have a couple more minutes why don't we complete it together, I'll be happy to help you finish", or maybe, "Okay, well lets make sure we complete this on Friday".
Why did this affect me so? Because I care too much?! Nobody won today. I sure as heck didn't. Why do I feel like such a failure at times and so inadequately trained to help others care enough to take that "extra step" in doing what they do. I will not stop, i will not deter because-- because I care too much. May the lesson from Zig and John continue to help me become who I want to be a leader who cares much!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
i just realized my kids have no idea what gelatin is....
I grew up on jello, jello with fruit, jello with whipped cream, jello with pudding, jello with raisins, jello with anything. Back to my roots. My mom made jello for us all throughout our childhood. Great memories. Today its the culmination or celebration to another weekend in and when I say IN. I mean in, inside the house. We have been joking with Tremayne that we have never known restraint as now. We, if you havent heard already- we are doing a major PAY IT OFF campaign and have been completely limited to any extra curricular activities including eating out, movies, shopping, malling, and such. I repeat we have never known such restraint. The payoff. Well, we finally decided that next year we want to go to Japan. After saying Colombia, S.A. was going to be our vacation next year, now it has been moved to another continent entirely. Chris and Tremayne were discussing it and I will totally go along with it because South Eastern Asia absolutely fascinates me.
So due to many present circumstances, we have 3 immediate goals. First and most importantly, GET OUT OF DEBT, second lose weight and third get a degree.
all attainable, all difficult, all so worth it. You may not understand why this started as a jello related post, but to me--I see it so clearly. Jello is cheap, its use flexible and instantly fullfilling. Today the jello post is quite fitting. We have come a LONG way and still so much is left to conquer and change. But for today, I will revel in the fact that we will enjoy our jello (in our margarita glasses) and celebrate our present acccomplishments and dream of our future endeavors. Japan, huh?! that one suprised me Tremayne even for you.
So due to many present circumstances, we have 3 immediate goals. First and most importantly, GET OUT OF DEBT, second lose weight and third get a degree.
all attainable, all difficult, all so worth it. You may not understand why this started as a jello related post, but to me--I see it so clearly. Jello is cheap, its use flexible and instantly fullfilling. Today the jello post is quite fitting. We have come a LONG way and still so much is left to conquer and change. But for today, I will revel in the fact that we will enjoy our jello (in our margarita glasses) and celebrate our present acccomplishments and dream of our future endeavors. Japan, huh?! that one suprised me Tremayne even for you.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
what day is it? ... it Sunday, May 22nd and a week into my new voice.
Hello there everyone! Its Sunday, and I got my spin and Power on today. I woke up at 9:30 for a 10 am class to realize that the new schedule for Ride is at 11 to 12 and Power to follow. It gave me some extra time to catch up on my neglected laundry that has been dragged from room to room in baskets.
Today is a beautiful day and the sun as inviting as it seems is making me wish for some shade to wash my car and vacumn it. In regards to my exercise routine and eating, I am happy to share that this week has been a very good week. Mentally I have been focused on my goal and realized that it will take time. I had a great evening with a girls night out last night and had a chance to confess some of my recent feelings of failure and disgust about my weight gain that were rather cathartic.
I don't do well with failure and the feeling were overwhelming to the point- I had a couple soliutions in mind. One to not see anyone that I had seen in months ago (pssst a year ago) when I was at my lowest weight. Another was to change gyms. And all this was to ease the guilt of failure. I had neglected to listen to all the suggestions about balance when it came to what I was doing whether it was exercise or eating. I remember one of my online workout friends (JR): asked me one day. "what is your treat, your cheat food?". I said "a peppermint patty.(50 cal)." He told me that that wasn't reasonable and I should have something more than that. His was a kickin chicken' sandwich from Zaxby's (600 cal). I answered honestly, but the what I mistakingly thought was a fully focused attitude was what I can admit now a bit of obsession. I neglected to use balance and discretion when it came to total calories consumed and total workouts. I figured out how did I lose all that weight (79 lbs.) in that short amount of time? I did just like the (BL) contestants on the show spend 3 hours in the gym. I limited my calories to an extremely usual low amount. Of course I lost 79 lbs. I had to have used the momentum as a step and then lessen the "obsession" to a workable routine, a consistantly less stringent schedule in both areas. Unfortunately, I totally fell right in the trap of what I was trying to avoid. The fall back. The weight gain and failure. The "screw it" attitude as I call it. This one thing that makes the difference between making it and (keeping it) or failing. When you drive by that Krispy Kreme and think, "ah, screw it, I will just have 2 donuts", or "I worked my butt off at the gym today, I deserve it". When you put your running shoes down, and think "screw it, its too hot out there to run". When you (intentionally) leave your prepared lunch and think "screw it, I'll just eat out this one time". When you go to bed late surfing the net and that alarm sounds earlier than expected and think "screw it, I'll just go tonight to the gym". This is what I call the "screw it, attitude". It is so decieving and harmful. I know I did it for 6 to 8 months and paid severly with more than 30 lbs.
I also had to get over the idea that people were actually looking at me and thinking in there minds... "wow, look at her now, she's fat again". In that instance is the only place where the term "screw it" should arise. You must stand bold faced and admit to yourself the reality of the matter. I came to the conclusion simple and clear that --I did this once and I can do it again. If you are a sincere person and have good friends- noone will be thinking that but instead you can solicit their help to cheer you on and encourage you to get back to a good point. I have great "abit to honest" siblings that have kept me in check when I feel this feeling creeping in. I love them all their sincerity and compassion has helped me overcome my feelings of failure.
So finally- get off your butt and do it. And if you have done it before and come to a plateau or the bottom of the hill like i did... Just get up and do it!!! again. Its okay. Do it again!!! I am getting there and its hard, I'm exhausted, but I am determined and so there again. Make it a great and healthy life.
Today is a beautiful day and the sun as inviting as it seems is making me wish for some shade to wash my car and vacumn it. In regards to my exercise routine and eating, I am happy to share that this week has been a very good week. Mentally I have been focused on my goal and realized that it will take time. I had a great evening with a girls night out last night and had a chance to confess some of my recent feelings of failure and disgust about my weight gain that were rather cathartic.
I don't do well with failure and the feeling were overwhelming to the point- I had a couple soliutions in mind. One to not see anyone that I had seen in months ago (pssst a year ago) when I was at my lowest weight. Another was to change gyms. And all this was to ease the guilt of failure. I had neglected to listen to all the suggestions about balance when it came to what I was doing whether it was exercise or eating. I remember one of my online workout friends (JR): asked me one day. "what is your treat, your cheat food?". I said "a peppermint patty.(50 cal)." He told me that that wasn't reasonable and I should have something more than that. His was a kickin chicken' sandwich from Zaxby's (600 cal). I answered honestly, but the what I mistakingly thought was a fully focused attitude was what I can admit now a bit of obsession. I neglected to use balance and discretion when it came to total calories consumed and total workouts. I figured out how did I lose all that weight (79 lbs.) in that short amount of time? I did just like the (BL) contestants on the show spend 3 hours in the gym. I limited my calories to an extremely usual low amount. Of course I lost 79 lbs. I had to have used the momentum as a step and then lessen the "obsession" to a workable routine, a consistantly less stringent schedule in both areas. Unfortunately, I totally fell right in the trap of what I was trying to avoid. The fall back. The weight gain and failure. The "screw it" attitude as I call it. This one thing that makes the difference between making it and (keeping it) or failing. When you drive by that Krispy Kreme and think, "ah, screw it, I will just have 2 donuts", or "I worked my butt off at the gym today, I deserve it". When you put your running shoes down, and think "screw it, its too hot out there to run". When you (intentionally) leave your prepared lunch and think "screw it, I'll just eat out this one time". When you go to bed late surfing the net and that alarm sounds earlier than expected and think "screw it, I'll just go tonight to the gym". This is what I call the "screw it, attitude". It is so decieving and harmful. I know I did it for 6 to 8 months and paid severly with more than 30 lbs.
I also had to get over the idea that people were actually looking at me and thinking in there minds... "wow, look at her now, she's fat again". In that instance is the only place where the term "screw it" should arise. You must stand bold faced and admit to yourself the reality of the matter. I came to the conclusion simple and clear that --I did this once and I can do it again. If you are a sincere person and have good friends- noone will be thinking that but instead you can solicit their help to cheer you on and encourage you to get back to a good point. I have great "abit to honest" siblings that have kept me in check when I feel this feeling creeping in. I love them all their sincerity and compassion has helped me overcome my feelings of failure.
So finally- get off your butt and do it. And if you have done it before and come to a plateau or the bottom of the hill like i did... Just get up and do it!!! again. Its okay. Do it again!!! I am getting there and its hard, I'm exhausted, but I am determined and so there again. Make it a great and healthy life.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
day 4 on day 10 but its all good, I'm back !!!!!
okay, so it really should be my day 10, but i kinda got sidetracked so I am trying to catch up literally in all aspects of the word. Food, fitness, fuel and and fudge I'mma feel it tomorrow. I had a great morning of Spin at 11 to 12 and Power from 12 to 1 and ate a good egg whites and spinach breakfast adn some grainy bread with organic peanut butter which I really liked. Its about 7:30pm and my legs are starting to remind me that I have not done that many lunges in a while. I was looking forward to picking up a barbell but I forgot that it included lunges, and squats. Yikes!
I have planned to my 5:45am spin and must keep to it since I will be missing out my evening classes with my sons' band concert tomorrow evening.
Wish me well. I need nourishment now and need to keep focused because I really want some cake. with frosting. yeah!
I have planned to my 5:45am spin and must keep to it since I will be missing out my evening classes with my sons' band concert tomorrow evening.
Wish me well. I need nourishment now and need to keep focused because I really want some cake. with frosting. yeah!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
day 3- smooth sailing
okay let me not be cauky because tomorrow I might be hurting to tear down a taco mac blue cheese burger and wings. LOL! Well my 48 hours quest on liquid diet (protein shakes and H20) has gone amazingly well. I definately believe its all in the mindset. I made a small goal and just believed I could accomplish it and I have. I have a lean pork loin and some lentejas on the crock pot going for tomorrow. I can't wait.
But as far as this weekend goes, it has been scaringly- if such word exists, easy. I am not sure why I choose this weekend as I had my cousin's GSU graduation party to attend, but I did it. I drank 2 bottled waters or maybe it was 3. But I did it. Two things happened yesterday, one I overcame my fear of seeing many people who hadnt seen in a couple months (fortunately for me, it was after dark on a candle lit table setting) and number 2: I didn't collapse at the temptation of a catered dinner which looked and smelled divine. OKAY: NUMBER 3: i just thought of the delish cake that was homemade. I did take a 3 hour nap yesterday which I am sure due to the lack of solid foods.
I did a morning run of 4.5 miles at Little Mulberry Park and felt it today at round 2 with the hubster. We ran intervals run/ walk at every .10 of a mile today. I have to admit I forgot how long Protein shakes can hold you.
I am very proud of my small goal. I will begin weighing myself and report accordingly. :0)
But as far as this weekend goes, it has been scaringly- if such word exists, easy. I am not sure why I choose this weekend as I had my cousin's GSU graduation party to attend, but I did it. I drank 2 bottled waters or maybe it was 3. But I did it. Two things happened yesterday, one I overcame my fear of seeing many people who hadnt seen in a couple months (fortunately for me, it was after dark on a candle lit table setting) and number 2: I didn't collapse at the temptation of a catered dinner which looked and smelled divine. OKAY: NUMBER 3: i just thought of the delish cake that was homemade. I did take a 3 hour nap yesterday which I am sure due to the lack of solid foods.
I did a morning run of 4.5 miles at Little Mulberry Park and felt it today at round 2 with the hubster. We ran intervals run/ walk at every .10 of a mile today. I have to admit I forgot how long Protein shakes can hold you.
I am very proud of my small goal. I will begin weighing myself and report accordingly. :0)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)