Sunday, September 6, 2009

at some point....

I developed this blog to record my progress in my weight loss challenge. The only thing is that the beginning of this I was totally focused on food intake and exercise. My feelings and emotions had nothing to do with this whole thing. The initial incentive was team play... little did I know that until 2 weeks prior to the ending date that it was actually two winners....hahah but I will get to that later. I realized maybe a month ago that I really wanted to document what were my feeling, my motivation, my yearnings and desires and hopes and dreams and I was logging my food intake and calories, and exercises and the numbers that the machines so brightly displayed as you sweated and wondered why I was pushing so hard. I logged that faithfully for a month and then lost interest. I then went to logging it on my IPHONE under an app. LOSE IT! which recorded my calories and exercises calories expended. I need to catch up now on my overall feelings. I will try to back track from now post win....yeah did you hear that POST WIN !

First of all, It was never a win or lose thing for me. I had no doubt I was the winner. I played the challenge as a real challenge, as a winner, as a total samurai warrier with only life and survival as the objective.

I realized many times during this battle, that it was about learning self control above all, about the winning attitude of survival of the fittest, wisest, and most in control. In my mind and heart I won two months ago... when I learned control and objectivity rather than feelings of mourning the loss of Krispy kreme donuts and hashbrowns from Waffle house which were no longer part of my life.

People ask me: what is your secret.... I routinely respond. Portion control which is truly a definative part of weight loss, but the reality is that I taught myself to look at two things when ingesting anything FAT CONTENT AND SUGAR CONTENT. Forget about the carbs... it wasnt about all the starch I couldnt eat anymore, but substituting the taste of sweet and sugary things with healthy and naturally yummy things. I learned to taste food and value the quality of food. Why would I scarf down a big mac of 700 calories and feel so terribly full, and painfully guilty to a 6 inch subway turkey and lettuce and tomatoe, my body was my santuary.

What do I want to feed you, what do I want to fuel you with??? I looked at food differently. I use to see something and realize... this tastes good, lets have a little more of it... and although I believed that I was not an emotional eater... dear lord...I was an emotional eater, a stress eater, a bored eater, a happy eater, a sad eater, a work from home eater, a entitled work from office eater, a pretty face eater, a lose weight later eater, a every excuse eater... I weighed 238.7 lbs when I started this journey to my grotesque unaware and terribly naively self satisfactory attitude. I keeping telling myself now, with humbled and terrified reality that if this would not of taken place in my life now... soon in 2 years or less I would be at 300 lbs.

I started this challenge when on vacation in Houston, as I a half-hearted effort of joining a crowd of coworkers in an office team spirit game.... but it was a challenge....I didnt see it at first as such until later, and then again it was never a challenge with others, but with myself.

My mother got very ill in Houston and being around her for 24 hours straight was the biggest insight in the life of a diabetic, renal failure patient on dialysis and what my father and mothers life had become in the last year and a half. This little.... BIG factor was the one thing that pushed me farther than anything else. I remember going down to heat one of the periotoneal fluid bags in the microwave and telling myself. This is it... I have my health in my hands... literally... and I knew it was now or never... I immediately decided at that moment that I was going to do this and win control over my weight and health. I told myself.. "I will not have diabetes, I will not go on being overweight, year after year and not do anything positive about it"

Now I say year after year as this had been my struggle all my life... which it was not. Just until after I had my daughter in 1999... it probably was until 2002 when I started working in an office setting where I lost control and then when I came home to work a couple months later.... I lost control of it. 2002 to 2009 -- 7 years that I abused my health and my body. I was not grotesquely overweight where I couldnt find clothes to fit me or couldnt hide the buldges with a bigger size or a longer shirt.

I learned all the tricks, I made my hair up and makeup and had the "pretty face with cute dimples". I neglected the fact that my body was turning into something fat and ugly.

I remember my sister saying "FAT is not pretty" that resonates with me on a daily basis. Noone who is fat wants to be fat... the only difference is some people do something about it and some don't.

I look at so many young people now and remember i looked just like them healthy and beautiful. We take our health so for granted and those unhealthy decisions we make along the way and the habits we pick up can be for our good or bad....

I picked up alot of bad ones. I honestly can tell you I have never saved so much money as I have in the last 3 months. I use to eat out on Tuesday, wednesday and friday breakfast, lunch and dinner most days... the others days... from home, my futile attempt in cooking would end up in the kids drawing their noses, they didnt want my cooking and liked the fast food or at least felt.. they were eating something
I went to bed nearly every night at 1pm or 2am, ate terrible and had a golds' gym membership that took $26.00 out each month, which they loved me with no usage by another number and still paying...

I could care less about what I ate, rushed to the first fast food for immediately sensory gratification instead of quality...

I remember the words of AL ROKER after his gastric bypass... to lose weight... now that he "cant eat the same amount of food he focuses on quality of food".

I gained the weight and didnt really realize how bad I was until I weighed in. 238.7 I had a sense of entitlement when I ate and selfishly lied to myself that soon one day I would change it all. When, I ask myself, when .... when I was diabetic, when I was sick, when I collapsed or had... cholesterol problems.

I will admit that I was surprised when at my last physical...they said all my labs were normal... I just knew that they had my bloodwork confused with someone elses because how could everything be normal. My sugar levels, cholesterol etc.

I was overweight, i was winded when I talked and walked, i was tired and lacked stamina for alot of things.. alot of things.

I lost the first 9 lbs in 5 days... in Houston I imagine... Before I left I weighed myself on my mothers digital scale in the hall bathroom and confirmed that infact the scale at LIFETIME where Stacy had weighed me was actually accurate... both read almost identical number 238 lbs. I was shocked, but not yet.... dedicated...not yet!

I came back from Houston and reached my moms house and weighed myself...9 lbs less..what it must be wrong... 9 lbs.... I had just -- for the last 4 days been controlling my eating... the night I heated the peritoneal fluids for my moms dialysis... I immediately changed my habits from that moment on... I ate a smaller portion that evening and the next morning went to the grocery store, grabbed bannanas, raisins, oatmeal and skim milk. I ate oatmeal and smaller portions the following day and kept that habit on the following days in Houston... that was it... in those days I had lost 9 lbs.... I couldnt believe it. it read 229 went I returned... I then went to gold's gym after maybe my last visit being in 2006...some 3 years ago. and walked the threadmill as I was afraid and embarressed of doing anything else that would draw attention to my fat ass and body. I didnt want to fall on anything and everyone laugh this would be too much for me to take...

I did it... then I actually went to a spinning class which I had no idea until 2 previous days from a distance friends post on Facebook... whew ! I had no strength to go up and down on the bike, but I endured and stayed the full hour. I proceeded to exercise a couple more times at golds' gym, when I convinced my husband to sign us up at LIFETIME GYM, the resort as I call it.

It was inviiting, beautifully and my kids loved it as much as I did. by the second weekend, I went to lifetime with 12 lbs loss and just inspired to keep going. I was looking thinner in my mind but couldnt see it yet. I saw numbers which I couldnt believe, but couldnt imagine why noone else could see the change in me. The biggest was my attitude and conviction in weight loss strategy...portion control, calorie intake and exercise.

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