Thursday, July 9, 2009

thursday, july 9th

I have a whirlwind of emotions, realizations, guilt, happiness, and determination these last few days. I had an excellent upper arm workout yesterday at the gym and some great ab exercises with my cousins husband Brian byrdsong. he is so motivating. I realized yesterday that besides my new workout friend at Lifetime. Christy I was riding this solo. I have come to realize and almost scare myself to exhaustion by not eating as much as I should. i have realized that I need to focus on my afternoon food as I have a great routine for a.m breakfast snack and lunch the problem I am having is the pm time. I have not been able to judge my hunger.. besides that I am in big need of a TACO MAC blue cheese burger which I promised myself this saturday. LOL. I have to eat my body is asking for it. I have been extra tired and pushed myself to keep going even when I want to wallow in my guilt. That is another thing....

1) emotions.... guilt.. How did I allow myself to put on 80 lbs. How difficult this journey has been. How much more I have to get to. How difficult it is. I really have to find a new word. I was at focused, determined, and dedicated and now I am at guilt guilt guilt. I know I have to get out of the slump and focus on what I have accomplished I started at 238.7 and now at 215.6 or sothat is 23 lbs. Not an easy tasks. I know its sweat, tears and working at it, every day. I think back and wonder what was I complaining about at 150 lbs.. at 145 lbs... why didnt I work out then and keep it. I should of focused on the small effort I could of made and accomplished a major turn instead of now having been at 100 lbs over and being at 80 lbs now.... I would love to be down to 150.... dream at 135 lbs... from 215 that is 80 lbs... can you see my daunting task?!

2) sources of inspiration are people who push themselves, people who have accomplished great things, and motivated people... I detest slackers and lazy people. i think overweight and obesity is a definate expression of your are too lazy to do something about it. do not care any more and I got to hating the fat, hating the overweight. I have come to hate the things that come with that ... diabetes and kidney disease and high blood pressure... I dont want to be sick, I dont want to be diabetic, I dont want to fail, I want to be healthy and beautiful in and out. My obvious inspiration... or moreso motivation would be my mom. I look for her approval and want her to look at me in pride and joy. But I don't want to relive the chaotic recent past of her health. I crumble at the thought of her being sick and needy in sharp contrast of the woman I grew up with knowing, a strong and independent woman.

3) proud and empowered. Probably a little too much with my food intake and not caring for nothing other than that. the weightloss thing fits right in with my "OCD" nature. I have completely focused on it. I choose what I eat or dont eat. I am surprised and realize that if we all did this, we would take more active roll in our health. I am doing something for myself and my wellbeing.

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