so it started late last night, somewhere between the physical pain from my sore knees and the exhaustion of my soul. That time of day when my head wants to rest its weary head on my pillow to find its peace and tranquility and then its cruely reminded of how incomplete my life is without knowledge if my oldest has eaten today, does he have any help with his homework, what clothes did he where today to school?, and the answer of the question that lingers in my soul daily... does he need me? Does he miss me, as much as I miss him?
I sent one of those self pity text reminders of only contacting me when he needs money or when he has a subject that I am so far removed from that he only wants my reaction rather than my input.
This morning I get a response of a quote of 'to one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible"
then i miss ya mom is what he wrote. to this my strength weakens and my heart crumbles
i respond.only by faith have i beeb able withstand my life going on without being able to see, smell, or touch you every day. Only by faith i ccalm my sadden soul when it wants to wallow in self pity of its loss. Only by faith, does my memories reminds my heart of all its triumphs of homework, and field trips, and class activities, and talks at midnight rather that the missed proms, and plays, outings and 10th grade and 11th grade, and senior year I wish I could savor each second together. Only by faith... does my pride dry the tears of hurt and pain from your absence, only by faith does my body heal from the immense sadness that destroys me within. Only by faith, does my spirit continue to bear and sustain itself by sheer FAITH that one day, one day.... you will return to me... to us.
and he replys.
The wind blows memories across the land. Only a memory of a child's hand. Your tears fill a pool of forgotten hugs and kisses. Awaiting till the sun dries it all and the wind stops and the child's hand in yours that he misses. Those needing eyes and wanting mind, naive and curious. Running into a cave hoping there will be light. He doesn't cry anymore. He has become numb to the world. But everyday he triesw to soar. This evil and cruel world where there is no one to trust. But he has turned his back on those who truely love him. Those who will never leave he has taken for granted. Heartbroken of his sins and family abandoned. he will try to make them proud, not by grades or money but by independence, how? He will follow his dreans an dtake on the teams of demons who seem to grant his wishes and satisfy pleasures and will his dishes and he will take on measures and scores of locked doors in attempt to prove he can make it. A simple life is how he lives. A modes proposal is his wish. Help me and i'll be back. Give me more time, let my work react and soon i will be in your arms and i'll be crying and you'll be laughing and chickachop will be flexing and primo will be smiling, and gaby will be singing, and chris will be falling, and trey will be working, and aaron will be eating and tio will be drinking, and lita will be cooking, and lito will be preaching and tias will be crazy, and you will be talking and ii won't be listening and i will be home again and in the end nothing has changed.
wow... deep huh?
Little did I know that this weightloss journey would turn into a path far greater than physical changes. The challenge I embarked upon June 2009 has been one of brutally introspective moments facing shame, accusation, and finally absolution. But primarily it was a journey filled with reward and enlightment. Today it strenghtens me to realize I accomplished a great task and NEVER GAVE UP!Even today in 2011
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ReplyDeleteExtremely Sweet...funny that you write this..just yesterday on my home I was listening to my usual Christian radio station www.ksbj.org on my way to work. One of the daily segments gives Family advice and it stated that the Parent/Child relationship is like a Bow and Arrow, as the Archer all we can do is place the arrow in the bow and point it in the right direction, pray that it stay on the right path BUT the hardest part is letting go...I thought about Santiago and how I want him to be my perfect little man who prays, works, respects and loves all I can do is teach him and pray that God will hold him so tight to protect him and guide him down the path of least resistance... but in the end...it's our children's choice to listen to us...just as we one day choose to or not listen to our parents. I pray that one day I will have this type of relationship like you with your son....where you can pour each other hearts out openly and lovingly. Loved this post..and now I must stop cause my sis and I have a rule "No crying at work!" :D You are so Blessed in all of your Children. God will work it out! :D
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