My biggest "winner" LIFE challenge

@raquelwash, 1/7/12 5:22 PM

2012-01-07T14:23:00.001-08:00

Raquel Washington (@raquelwash)
1/7/12 5:22 PM
SCLQ – Booty, God, Booty the Video: Part 4 « Stuff Christians Like - Jon Acuff jonacuff.com/stuffchristian…

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A beautiful day with my family

2012-01-01T19:51:00.001-08:00

2012-01-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

day 1: a great day for my family and me. We talked, exercised and planned our future together. We listed our plans and objective on paper and in prayer. We detailed our dreams with such detail and EVERYONE participated. Today was a great day.

2011-12-31T13:25:00.000-08:00

My first 7+ goals for 2012: in no particular order of importance, just using Zig Ziglar's "wheel of life". 7 spokes (areas) of the wheel 1) career: Cement a permanent, meaningful place within DFC corp. where I use my core values to richly deepen team members appreciation for their employment while providing the best customer service "experience" to parents and most importantly children, our patients. 2) financial: Stay focused and mostly finish our GET OUT OF DEBT plan by December 23, 2012 and eliminate the final nemesis by March 2013. 3) spiritual: to find "my first love" again. Knowing Jehovah God intimately in prayer. Dedication to participate in the public ministry of my beliefs. Establish a weekly schedule to regularly attend all meetings 4) physical: to permanently lose 50 lbs with patience, balance, and good long term habits that include my husband and children in a healthy family lifestyle. To drink 8 cups of water daily. 5) intellectual: to read 1 non fiction book and regularly post to my blog. Make goals to start college at age 42 when we are debt free in 2013. Take a writing course. 6) family: to reestablish my Friday visits with my mom. Make a monthly family goal. Establish a monthly family gathering with my parents and siblings. Visit my sister in Houston on labor day weekend. 7) social: invite all my team members to my house for a luncheon or dinner. Visit my grandma at least once a month. Arrange a "cousins party" for 2012. Establish a semi weekly date night with hubby and intermittently invite friends with us. #Finish year

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2011-11-27T14:09:00.000-08:00

I almost had forgotten that feeling...

what it takes to be a leader?

2011-08-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

some days I feel so grossely inadequate, to carry a label that I can't fulfill. I carry a weight whether imagined or literal that burdens my every decision and choice. From simple to complex, they are mine to bear. How should I answer to that comment? How should I handle this situation? Should I go to lunch or eat at my desk? Do I let that one slide or handle it swiftly?

Today, I came across another lesson and eventhough, my mind tells me to look at things in the correct perspective, my heart is burdened by me caring too much. I love what I do, I love to talk, I love to win over, I love to be approachable, I love to resolve the ENORMOUS CRISIS at hand, whether its, "I want a red balloon, not the blue one", or "I just got the message now and I do not understand why my appointment has been cancelled if I made this appointment 6 months ago, and no that new appointment time will NOT work". I love to be the go to person, I love to solve the pending doom. I love to also be the teacher, mentor, the closer, the healer. (The latter two always seem to bite me in the butt more often than not).
But back to the lesson. Today, I was in the verge of new territory for me... delegating... that word, that task, that job in the job that must be done. Yeah, well one of my new staff members asked where they could find name labels for some charts that were unlabeled. I said, you will have to wait until I print them up.... "But, if you want to print them up, I can show how to do it", I eagerly thought this was my chance, my chance to prove that I was able and willing to DELEGATE this task to a willing team member. So, I attached my file to an email, emailed the document to the availible computer, open document, set the document up and proceeded to show the team member how to enter the information, etc. I am letting go. Balance. Delegating. Good. After awhile, even I had forgot about it, the team member came up inquiring on the label stickers. Oh wow! the list was done, the labeling would soon be complete. I was excited, really excited, the list is in the computer now all it needs to be printed and the labels to be stuck on the charts. One of my job duties was successfully handled by another and the world actually didnt collapse. I am on a roll I thought-Dave and Jon would be proud of me. Okay, here goes, I gave the label printing paper up and without too much instruction, mentioned matter of factly, over my shoulder, scurrying back to my desk, "Just be sure you put it in the tray correctly, almost regretting saying it as soon as the words came out. A few moments later, I see the redden face of the team member back at my desk, wishing I had been more clear on my instruction. I kindly smile and make sure that I am going to use this opportunity to teach rather than scold and show the team member on how I was taught ;) that all printers, scanner, copiers have a little cheat diagram to look at when placing the correct placement of paper in the tray. We get thru this hurdle yet again victoriously and I leave promptly as to NOT TAKE OVER as my daughter has reminded me that I do- when someone doesnt do things exactly like I want them done- (who me?) I am back at my desk and have several observe that I am AHEAD of the game today, my charts are not piled up, as I really have been practicing BALANCE in the last (2) days with not spreading myself too thin, where I look hurried and hustling, rather than resolving and helping. So the day has gone well, all caught up and making the last few posting of the end of the day. The loudness of the back office tells me its close to 4:30pm and my evening individual good=bye of the Doctor assures me its quiting time. Yeah, quitting time, remember that? I obviously DO NOT. Well, as the crew files in to sign out on the time sheet. I get the most disheartening reminder that I have yet so much to learn. Is it me? The pile handed back to my desk with a sheepish comment which my facial expression must of asked the question that did not come out of my mouth. But all I heard was: " I didn't finish". Honestly, It wasn't the fact that they didn't finish sticking the labels on the charts. I think that the action itself - UNDONE is not what felt like the punch in my gut, it was that with 2 to 3 minutes left to quitting time- the initiative to FINISH THE TASK was not even an option for this team member. I was at a loss for words and choose to remain silent than add insult to injury which apparently was only mine.

All I could hear in my head was.... and this is why I do not delegate. I cannot take the agony of failure -once again apparently only mine. Does it really mean failure to not have taken the couple minutes to finish sticking the labels on? No, definately not. But the failure that I couldn't motivate that team member to have WANTED to finish, to complete the task, to stayed the extra 2-3 minutes that it took (me) to complete it.

The lesson, the lesson... well thats the point NOONE LEARNED A LESSON, Noone, not I, not the team member. In reviewing this in my mind and now in writing... it all seems jumbled up, but should I responded: "well we have a couple more minutes why don't we complete it together, I'll be happy to help you finish", or maybe, "Okay, well lets make sure we complete this on Friday".

Why did this affect me so? Because I care too much?! Nobody won today. I sure as heck didn't. Why do I feel like such a failure at times and so inadequately trained to help others care enough to take that "extra step" in doing what they do. I will not stop, i will not deter because-- because I care too much. May the lesson from Zig and John continue to help me become who I want to be a leader who cares much!

2011-07-11T06:42:00.001-07:00

Day3 - low sugar oatmeal, boiled egg, peach, toast with organic jelly, coffee and low fat creamer

i just realized my kids have no idea what gelatin is....

2011-06-05T15:03:00.000-07:00

I grew up on jello, jello with fruit, jello with whipped cream, jello with pudding, jello with raisins, jello with anything. Back to my roots. My mom made jello for us all throughout our childhood. Great memories. Today its the culmination or celebration to another weekend in and when I say IN. I mean in, inside the house. We have been joking with Tremayne that we have never known restraint as now. We, if you havent heard already- we are doing a major PAY IT OFF campaign and have been completely limited to any extra curricular activities including eating out, movies, shopping, malling, and such. I repeat we have never known such restraint. The payoff. Well, we finally decided that next year we want to go to Japan. After saying Colombia, S.A. was going to be our vacation next year, now it has been moved to another continent entirely. Chris and Tremayne were discussing it and I will totally go along with it because South Eastern Asia absolutely fascinates me.

So due to many present circumstances, we have 3 immediate goals. First and most importantly, GET OUT OF DEBT, second lose weight and third get a degree.

all attainable, all difficult, all so worth it. You may not understand why this started as a jello related post, but to me--I see it so clearly. Jello is cheap, its use flexible and instantly fullfilling. Today the jello post is quite fitting. We have come a LONG way and still so much is left to conquer and change. But for today, I will revel in the fact that we will enjoy our jello (in our margarita glasses) and celebrate our present acccomplishments and dream of our future endeavors. Japan, huh?! that one suprised me Tremayne even for you.

what day is it? ... it Sunday, May 22nd and a week into my new voice.

2011-05-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

Hello there everyone! Its Sunday, and I got my spin and Power on today. I woke up at 9:30 for a 10 am class to realize that the new schedule for Ride is at 11 to 12 and Power to follow. It gave me some extra time to catch up on my neglected laundry that has been dragged from room to room in baskets.

Today is a beautiful day and the sun as inviting as it seems is making me wish for some shade to wash my car and vacumn it. In regards to my exercise routine and eating, I am happy to share that this week has been a very good week. Mentally I have been focused on my goal and realized that it will take time. I had a great evening with a girls night out last night and had a chance to confess some of my recent feelings of failure and disgust about my weight gain that were rather cathartic.

I don't do well with failure and the feeling were overwhelming to the point- I had a couple soliutions in mind. One to not see anyone that I had seen in months ago (pssst a year ago) when I was at my lowest weight. Another was to change gyms. And all this was to ease the guilt of failure. I had neglected to listen to all the suggestions about balance when it came to what I was doing whether it was exercise or eating. I remember one of my online workout friends (JR): asked me one day. "what is your treat, your cheat food?". I said "a peppermint patty.(50 cal)." He told me that that wasn't reasonable and I should have something more than that. His was a kickin chicken' sandwich from Zaxby's (600 cal). I answered honestly, but the what I mistakingly thought was a fully focused attitude was what I can admit now a bit of obsession. I neglected to use balance and discretion when it came to total calories consumed and total workouts. I figured out how did I lose all that weight (79 lbs.) in that short amount of time? I did just like the (BL) contestants on the show spend 3 hours in the gym. I limited my calories to an extremely usual low amount. Of course I lost 79 lbs. I had to have used the momentum as a step and then lessen the "obsession" to a workable routine, a consistantly less stringent schedule in both areas. Unfortunately, I totally fell right in the trap of what I was trying to avoid. The fall back. The weight gain and failure. The "screw it" attitude as I call it. This one thing that makes the difference between making it and (keeping it) or failing. When you drive by that Krispy Kreme and think, "ah, screw it, I will just have 2 donuts", or "I worked my butt off at the gym today, I deserve it". When you put your running shoes down, and think "screw it, its too hot out there to run". When you (intentionally) leave your prepared lunch and think "screw it, I'll just eat out this one time". When you go to bed late surfing the net and that alarm sounds earlier than expected and think "screw it, I'll just go tonight to the gym". This is what I call the "screw it, attitude". It is so decieving and harmful. I know I did it for 6 to 8 months and paid severly with more than 30 lbs.

I also had to get over the idea that people were actually looking at me and thinking in there minds... "wow, look at her now, she's fat again". In that instance is the only place where the term "screw it" should arise. You must stand bold faced and admit to yourself the reality of the matter. I came to the conclusion simple and clear that --I did this once and I can do it again. If you are a sincere person and have good friends- noone will be thinking that but instead you can solicit their help to cheer you on and encourage you to get back to a good point. I have great "abit to honest" siblings that have kept me in check when I feel this feeling creeping in. I love them all their sincerity and compassion has helped me overcome my feelings of failure.

So finally- get off your butt and do it. And if you have done it before and come to a plateau or the bottom of the hill like i did... Just get up and do it!!! again. Its okay. Do it again!!! I am getting there and its hard, I'm exhausted, but I am determined and so there again. Make it a great and healthy life.

day 4 on day 10 but its all good, I'm back !!!!!

2011-05-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

okay, so it really should be my day 10, but i kinda got sidetracked so I am trying to catch up literally in all aspects of the word. Food, fitness, fuel and and fudge I'mma feel it tomorrow. I had a great morning of Spin at 11 to 12 and Power from 12 to 1 and ate a good egg whites and spinach breakfast adn some grainy bread with organic peanut butter which I really liked. Its about 7:30pm and my legs are starting to remind me that I have not done that many lunges in a while. I was looking forward to picking up a barbell but I forgot that it included lunges, and squats. Yikes!

I have planned to my 5:45am spin and must keep to it since I will be missing out my evening classes with my sons' band concert tomorrow evening.

Wish me well. I need nourishment now and need to keep focused because I really want some cake. with frosting. yeah!

day 3- smooth sailing

2011-05-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

okay let me not be cauky because tomorrow I might be hurting to tear down a taco mac blue cheese burger and wings. LOL! Well my 48 hours quest on liquid diet (protein shakes and H20) has gone amazingly well. I definately believe its all in the mindset. I made a small goal and just believed I could accomplish it and I have. I have a lean pork loin and some lentejas on the crock pot going for tomorrow. I can't wait.

But as far as this weekend goes, it has been scaringly- if such word exists, easy. I am not sure why I choose this weekend as I had my cousin's GSU graduation party to attend, but I did it. I drank 2 bottled waters or maybe it was 3. But I did it. Two things happened yesterday, one I overcame my fear of seeing many people who hadnt seen in a couple months (fortunately for me, it was after dark on a candle lit table setting) and number 2: I didn't collapse at the temptation of a catered dinner which looked and smelled divine. OKAY: NUMBER 3: i just thought of the delish cake that was homemade. I did take a 3 hour nap yesterday which I am sure due to the lack of solid foods.

I did a morning run of 4.5 miles at Little Mulberry Park and felt it today at round 2 with the hubster. We ran intervals run/ walk at every .10 of a mile today. I have to admit I forgot how long Protein shakes can hold you.

I am very proud of my small goal. I will begin weighing myself and report accordingly. :0)

road to recovery day 2

2011-05-07T06:42:00.000-07:00

i woke up promptly with a sense of direction and purpose. It is 9:36 a.m. and my bed is made, my room is tidy, the dog has been fed and basking in the morning heat. The first load of laundry and dishes are going. Eventhough, I had enough time to get to my 9am spin or step class, I am choosing to go run/walk at Little Mulberry Park. I feel a sense of relief of guilt and a newfound purpose. I just need to do this. The AGAIN part is irrelevant today. I choose the park because it has always been a companion to my innermost thoughts and confessions.

It seems like it will be a substantially hot day and I am starting early enough to get many tasks accomplished. The first... my workout. Then my diet, followed by my domestic duties and finally my employment duties which have been comprised by technical issues since Thursday.

I love myself today. I will enjoy my cousins' day of graduation from Georgia State and family party, despite my fears and self accusations.

Enjoy your day! day 2

road to recovery... AGAIN

2011-05-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

YEAH!!! As much as i hate to admit it and my ego hurts with my failure. I had to face my pain and worthlessness and realize I have to make a choice. Yet again. Do I give up? or do I face the truth and make a decision whether this is going to stop me or encourage me to get back on track. I honestly do not want to be one of those who tries "diet" after "diet" looking for the next trick to lose weight. I have only done this battle once and did great for one year then.... lost it. I totally lost it. My superhuman mentality. My powers. My focus. I lost the commitment, the dedication and strength to uphold my beliefs of a healthy way of living.

I admitted to my brother today, one of my biggest fears. I actually do not want to go to a family function tomorrow because I do not want to see some family members that I havent seen in a year... when I was SUPERHUMAN. When I was beast. I literally dont want to not notice the disapproving mumbles, OMG, and other suprising reactions which will be totally hidden but so obvious to all.

I dont want to admit that I failed. So what do I do? Let this failure hold me or push me? I am so upset that I allowed this to happen. I have that same "screw it" attitude that got me into this hell hole in the first place. Ah, screw it! I will eat fast food. "Ah, screw it", one more cookie. Ah, screw it, i will go to the gym tomorrow. That attitude is what is the difference between those who talk about, those who complain about it and those who ACTUALLY do something about it.

I had an unbreakable commitment for a long time. Was it a bit on the obsessive side? Heck yeah! It is all the mental ability to stay focused or loose interest and entertain other ambitions that get you side tracked. I had a selfcentered obsessive dedication to my wellbeing and I let it go.

I just realized the reasoning behind me visiting another gym this week--- in my self reasoning that "maybe a gym next door to my job in Buford". May assist me to go early to gym, then work, or after work gym sessions instead of the temptation to talk myself out of the gym once I arrived at home. I just realized it had nothing to do with this ridiculous reasoning. It is because I don't want the people who have seen me in the past year and half to see that I am fat. Again.

Wow! that was cathartic. It is amazing, how our mind can play the role of accuser or forgiver. We can talk ourselves out of any conclusion, if we do NOT have our mind and heart set on the same objective. First it must be the will and then it must be the mindset. From experience this ONLY comes from preparation. I have my bananas for my protein shake tomorrow.

I have decided to go to a liquid diet this weekend. Wish me well. I think if I make simple, small steps. This will encourage me back to the road of recovery. Instead of thinking I have to lose 30 lbs. If I just begin again with small, tiny steps- I can do this. In everything, finance, education, work... we are told small steps, small changes, small accomplishment lead to bigger ones.

I will set this as my weekend goal. Liquid, protein shake diet for Saturday and Sunday.

My weight is 203 lbs. today 5-7-11.

not a statistic

2011-02-05T10:44:00.000-08:00

There were a lot of reasons that kept me strong, and focused when I started this journey. Many were mantras that I set up to boost my self control. Others were reminders why I wanted this so bad, and yet others were for the sheer incentive of sticking to it when the physical exhuastion wants to tell my mind to quit.

Today I found a new one. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC. I had used this years ago as a teen to guide me through my adolescent whims and temptations. I clearly saw the consequences of many girls and their poor choices of boys and behaviors with those boys that lead them to the be talk of Monday morning. I was fortunately sat alphabetically with a crew of the most popular boys who encircled me while I went unnoticed and uninvolved for two years in highschool. I am not sure why we willingly obliged this while high school, but to our benefit and detriment we did have the smallest high school that I have yet to know.

In my desire to remain unscathed by the rumors and reputation , I clinged to my beliefs and choices as my badge of honor. During my initial weightlooss journey I too kept true to my convictions without waivering. I knew there were eyes watching me. I knew that I would be setting an example for others. But above all I held myself accountable. I gave it my 100%

Today I have found that once again I have to hold myself accountable to my choices whether they are good or bad, and these will determine the outcome. I have been bombarded with guilt as I DO THIS WELL. I look at my body and accuse myself of all the poor choices I made to get back up to 199 lbs. I accuse myself of the failure of regaining half of my weight back. This is failure for me. Unfortunately, this is the expected IF not statistically occurrence of most. A fact that I do not want to be a willing participant of.

Today I choose NOT to be a statistic.

I will fight, I will choose, I will OVERCOME. I have done this before, I have been telling myself this recently and it led me to this recent epiphany… I WILL HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN. The only difference is, this time for the LAST TIME. I will have to continue to establish good routines as preplanning my meals and prepacking my lunch. I will have to continue with a set schedule for my exercise and challenge myself in new training regimens.

I did KICK class today and rocked it. I thoroughly enjoyed the class and the instructor. Only one fault was she said something to the effect… “when you are my age”…. Not looking a day older than 24 maybe… that really bothers me. I guess that’s why I enjoy JOAN and go to as many classes based on the instructors rather than the class. I go to late SPIN with STEVE. He must be 55+. Joan is 50, maybe. I admire people who are physically fit at those ages. People who inspire, who can physically take on any 20 year old and teach them a thing or two.

Last night too, at our local bakery shop another smart soul made mention of his selfcontrol with the statement, “ I will only take one bite of this cake and put it away.” Then the kicker…” I didn’t run 4 miles in the rain for blow it away”. My audible response as I was getting my carrot cake delight was.. “I’m foregoing dinner, just to blow it away on carrot cake”. ( He was not a day older than 23). Whatever!.

I was turned on to a great phrase by my son Ryan. Youth is wasted on the young. It is so truth. The vitality of youth, the energy, the spunk is so wasted on the immaturity, lack of tack, and unexperience of the youth. Today at 40, I revel when I don’t have a body ache, and appreciate the ability to have wisdom guide rather than impulse. I mean what I say and say what I mean. I choose my company wisely and rapidly discharge negativity from my life whether in form of decisions or people.

Today I choose NOT TO BE A STATISTIC AGAIN and will fight with all the strength and resolve to win. I am at 200 lbs today and will reclaim my figure and strength back. I will use this new mantra and sheer determination to gain what I know is mine. I added my hubby to my gym package and hope.. if not for last saturdays' spaz attack about NOT having common goals wasnt enough to him call me 3 times today to check if i had done it or not. But his comment... mind you this is the man I often refer to as.... "speaks no evil" and "executes his words with great care". Today was no different when he said, " I WOULDN'T MIND seeing you back as you did for that wedding last May or your cousin's party with that strapless dress". Thanks honey, ITS COMING SOON, COMING SOON

I'm tired

2011-02-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. Yep! I'm tired. Not because the week has been longer than usual, no, work has been about the same if not a bit slower. The kids have been good, survived early release. The abode has seemingly kept organized and clean this week.(thanks honey). So why am I so tired? The culprit: Exercise. I don't care what you've heard, what you've read. If you exercise regularly....(at the beginning) you are just plain and honestly just TIRED. I feel that good old-fashioned exhaustion that controlled my post gym hunger pangs. All I want is a shower and my bed. I have been on steady routine for days of alternating SPIN and STEP and I am Pooped. That burst of energy and the renewed energizing feeling you get.... well its not happening just yet. I don't know if it was ever energy, but more attitude thing .I remember sharing this very similar story with a man a couple months ago at lunchtime in a SUBWAY. We were sharing our stories of losing weight and eating better and he said it plainly.... "its BS, I'm not energized, I'm exhausted".

I am just plain worn out today and unfortunately right now at 11:35pm I am honestly feeling quite hungry. If I could conjure up the strength I would grab a bowl of cereal or something, but my mind is telling me that its just too much effort.

I had planned on doing a 5:45am spin class, but who am I kidding. The 6pm will have to do tomorrow. My next goal is to start back up with KICK class and get two in for next. Besides being tired, today has been quite uneventful. Tune in tomorrow for a real post. sorry got to get some sleep...and rest....

row numero dos

2011-02-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

Spin was interesting today. I got to SPIN class a couple minutes late and had the entire second row of spin bikes waiting just for me. Oh wow, lucky me! NOT! Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this row and some of the most faithful gym rats sit there in front of me week in week out, but I really should of gotten here earlier. After shuffling to adjust the seat, the height, the handlebar, the tension, as if this alone did not make me feel self-conscience, when suddenly I realize that immediately behind me row number 3 is fully occupied. If you ever want to undoubtly step it up a notch-- sit closer to the front. I does something to you, it pushes you. One: because your ass is on full display. literally ! Cycle classes are extremely revealing, the postures and climbs make for the veracity of the statement less is better and I mean in the size of your backside not the underwear you're wearing. Unfortunately, you tend to know your class members by their backside more than their faces.(pretty sad, but true, LOL!) Second: naturally the stationary method of this class makes you feel like you are in the lead throughout and have the others behind you. I can honestly say my cadence was just abit faster and stronger today. I ussually sit in row 3 or 4, but today my castigation and benediction came in row numero dos. Lets do this and if your going to do this, do it well

It was intense as is every SPIN class I attend several times a week. You must come to terms that you have definately lost some marbles upstairs to willingly sit through 45 minutes of physical torture. But is it worth it? Well I started with Spin to rebut someone's FB comment of burning 700 calories. I said what the heck am I going to sit on a boring threadmill when I can have double or triple the results in half or third of the time. I have been hooked ever since.

Today was no different, but I will admit that I pushed a little harder and rode a little stronger than I have in awhile feeling i had all my fellow spinners right behind me, literally. Finished class, checked my HR and yep! I SPINNED today! As I approach the communal spray and papertowel clean up area, a newbie asks me, (one of the row 3 crew), "how long have you been doing this?". This simple question made it all the more real, that when you are committed you play harder and not only you will feel it but others will notice. This will inspire you as you inspire others. As you lead by example, you will recharge your commitment. You never know who is watching. You never know who will use you as their inspiration. So be your best. She said, " I was looking at you and saying to myself, I can do this". I told her, "just as I was looking at the ones infront of me and thinking the same". I congratulated her for sticking throughout the whole class because after sticking with spin you have earned the right to gloat that you are so far above the passive threadmillers who uneventfully shared the last hour with you, but not experience.

Her friend inquired about calorie comsumption and other details that I was more than happy to oblige. I conjured up my simplest explanations of the only fail proof method I know that works, the EAT CLEAN DIET (Tosca Reno) and consistency with exercise. Our conversation continued and I hope to see them again. Its funny how something so simple as a question, has me in high expectation of my next encounter with this stranger and how this unknowingly obligates me emotionally and physically to stay committed- to the next spin class, to the next time I face those ho ho's in the pantry, and to BEING THE BEST I CAN BE. Committed? you betcha. thanks stranger from row 3.

choices: coffee or green tea

2011-02-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed my day. My day in full control of my thoughts, actions, and choices. I was well aware that I could of picked up that sausage biscuit from Burger King just a couple yards away. It would go really well with my two boiled eggs, but i chose to sick to my plan and eat my low sugar oatmeal and my 2 boiled eggs. I made a choice this afternoon too, or was it my coworker who simply said, "so just get rid of the cup of coffee and drink your tea". It was just that simple, a simple choice and I did. I was mentioning to her that I USE TO love my afternoon cup of tea with a granola bar. It was a choice and I enjoyed the power to make the choice. I stood up and did just that poured out my cup of coffee and made me a cup of hot tea which I enjoyed with a LIFE bar, 150 cal of sweet delight. I felt energized and powerful. I am still on the POWER KICK, can you tell?. Yes, its still about the power. Maybe later it will be about something else, but for today its about the power.

The whole notion of exuding confidence, attracts me. The constant cheering you silently hear in your head when you make good choices, when you beat your PR mile, when you made it through STEP class with 2 risers and didn't die. Eventhough, you really wanted to. I literally wanted to sit down and cry today. I literally felt fear that my heart was beating just a tad too quick so shortly after a 4 month lethargy. I literally felt pain in my right knee and butt the whole while, I was reciting, "never give up" to myself hoping noone could here me. I literally was ashamed to take off my hoodie and expose my sweat drenched t-shirt that was mostly like embarresingly hugging my fuller midsection than the last time I was in this class. I literally wanted to just leave. But did not.

The notion of failure or giving up, of sitting it out just DOES NOT attract me. A challenge is my push, its my motivation, its my inner voice saying- "you can do this". I have a friend who use NOOC to motivate himself and others and is quite fitting. NOOC stands for No obstacles, only challenges. This is how you must face everything. Don't let the hardship, the situations of life deter you to be your best to accomplish your goals, to do ANYTHING YOU DREAM YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH. Set small goals and accomplish them. Then set more and accomplish them.

You have two choices in life. Push or sit it out. Which one will you do? Its ONLY UP TO YOU. I realize I was getting comfortable with saying I USE TO. Well that ends today. Its NOT what I use to do, but I am doing NOW that counts. PERIOD.

I have my gym bag ready and my lunchbox packed for tomorrow. Tomorrow will also be about good choices. Keep your chin up. Just do it! Make good choices. :)

HUMAN OR HUMANE

2011-01-31T20:36:00.000-08:00

I finally decided to take it by the reigns again... oh! remember the whole weightloss issue thing. Yeah that! I have jokingly been saying that I have been on a 6 month haitus, sabbatical if you will. Well, unfortunately the joke has been on me. I have gained 25+ lbs and a really mean spirit to boot. Most of you would not recognize me during my "spaz attacks" as my family has titled them. I don't recognize myself actually.

But I decided it was time. I have gone through all the excuses that I self imposed in the last months and I can't think of any more. So here I am left with facing the truth and having to do something about it. Not that many were not well founded or merit the attention given as was Ryan's visit in the summer where I finally realized as a parent that you must live and let live or the agonizing 2 months we had to say Goodbye to my grandfather which was not nearly enough or the guilt I burden myself when i musn't. and the first regained 10lbs and then the next 5 lbs and the covert operation to hide those which got me to this predicament of gaining 25+ You realize that I just can't be honest about the actual number. Its funny how many lies we tell ourselves to comfort, conceal and conquer the moment.

I finally realized two things this weekend. First of all, that I kept using little" 6 month hiatus" line to ease the accusation of neglect or lose of control and commitment. But wasn't I at this weight before and did I have all this fingers pointing at me and telling me I was fat and a loser? No. So why was I judging myself so harshly? Not one person, thankfully, had come up to me and said..."Oh God, your fat again". "Oh my, you have gained weight". Okay, well my mom, did about 2 weeks ago when my big ass was smack infront of her when I was trying to play a DVD and couldnt get it and therefore I guess that there was nothing else to pay attention to than that and she kindly inquired (cough) "Raquel, are you gaining weight?". Yes siree! Well the rest of my associates, coworkers, and family members have been all to kind to not bring it up to my attention, rather to my detriment. But the true fact is that nobody notices, if you have gained a couple pounds, what they do notice is your lost of stride, your lack of umpf, your loss of stardom. Because when you are on a mission, your eyes glisten, you speak with enthusiasm and confidence. You dress and walk and even put on makeup with a purpose, you rise and shine brightly, but when you lose your focus, you lose your stardom power. I lost it briefly and am back to reclaim my title.

What did I want to do now? continue to bitch about it or do something? I have a picture as my background on my laptop which was an attempt at bragging about how many calories I had burned at one of my workouts, but unbeknowst at the moment, I got an awesome picture of my thin, shapely, muscular legs, tanned and toned. A picture taken over the summer which was definately made for braggin' rights and I titled it "when I was a superstar". The title actually came from my daughter a couple weeks ago, i was going through some pictures and she came across one from May at a wedding that Trey and I went too and I was at my prime and she said, "mom, that was when you were a superstar". A line that has stayed with me. I like to be a good example. I like to be in control. Oh, lets not lie to ourselves and say that its not about power, because it is. Its all about the power. I like to have the power to say no to the "nutty butty" I so wanted to eat last night The power of feeling great. The power of self control. The power of commitment. The power of being the superstar in your life.

Second: reminds me that we are SOOO human. Yes us. The creatures with such enviable intelligence, creatures with the indestructible spirit to rise above. Creatures that defy all odds to conquer the unconquerable. Creatures of passion and goodwill. Creatures made to care, To believe. Yes us, these same creatures, including admittedly myself included that deprecate, belittle, ridicule and gloat at another's loss... or gain...that is.

I was having some alone with the spousal unit with our oh-too consipicious tag along, Gaby( who talks too much and hears even more). We were sitting at the local DD with our freshly brewed java and some incriminating delicious munchkins when, dear God-can I go anywhere that I musn't see someone from the gym? Thanks, that all I need another reminder of my grotesque inadequacy. When out of the corner of my eye, I turned to look a little closer. "Wow, she has gained some weight. "yeah, she has gained alot of weight". "She always wears tanks at the gym", look at her midsection, she definately gained weight". I continued to look at her, and repeat a couple more unsolicited observations that were more for my hurt ego than hers. Then the husband speaks, the man who speaks no evil, simply says, "It happens, its winter". I don't know if it was his comment or the realization that the comments were more to appease my debacle than her minor infraction.

As humans we must percieve a win, we must taste it, we must revel in it to see the
light at the end of the tunnel. Its pretty sad when I think about it---because that was not myself thinking or talking, but the method that brought me to realize- that I am NOT the only one who has UPS and DOWNS. I am not the only one who goes through changes. I am not the only who struggles.I am NOT the only human who felt a momentary sense of gratification at the cost of comparison to an unbeknowst innocent party.

I am human and I will rise up, and I will succeed and I will conquer. Now hear me roar!
NEVER GIVE UP!

so lost and allowing myself to find it again... yet again

2010-12-22T17:31:00.000-08:00

it seems like I have been lost lately, without meaning, without a plan, without confidence.... or a fight to fight. Unsure what to do or where to begin. I know what to do but can't bring myself to do it. I see my age, my experience right infront me, in the mirror when i shift my bangs just a tad to the right to cover my patch of grey which unapologetically grows right in the center of my hairline. I have hit the age when you are smart enough to know better, but wise enough to allow it to show through with vengance and no shame. Where you wear your age with pride and the experience as a badge. Where you can agree to disagree and know when to remain silent and let others do the talking-- mostly to their detriment. Where you can enjoy and trust, and love without reserve. Where you are comfortable within your enviornment and stick with your boring routines. Yet I work with ones that are younger, some MUCH younger. Many that I admire and mentor as I once was and others that the sheer ignorance and lack of substance is tiring. I see youth in a whole new light and yet with some distrust. I still hold on to the reasonableness and the methodical routine of life makes so much more sense to me.

Why at 40, do I still look for more, know I can accomplish more. I look for more, i want more..... I search for something that I lack... Maybe its the ROCK STARDOM that i once had... not too long ago. When I was 159 lbs. where I made a difference in my life. I have steadily increased in weight and have lost the shine, the stardom and maybe thats where my problem lies. I focus and remember and dwell on that fact instead of the glorious feeling of 159 lbs. Maybe its that I forgot that wondrous feeling and need to focus on that. I have to. I have to remember what that was like. What I felt like. I have read and I know that you must see yourself thin, you must do everything as if you were there. I remember I never bought clothes again in a BIG size once I started this journey. I would do the opposite buy smaller clothes and work towards fitting into it.

I need to remember the strict and grandious feeling of NEVER GIVING UP. I remember the tears the sweat, the immense dedication of what i believed in. It is unfair that so many are made so differently, its not a battle to them, its not difficult for them to pass on indulgence. Yes its unfair, move on! i NEED TO FOCUS THE FEELING OF SUCCESS, CONFIDENCE.... that i use to ooze... that is my goal

Oh on a lighter note or heavier one in fact... LOL

2010-11-30T22:24:00.000-08:00

I was reading some articles and the attention that all articles give to the weight that the BL have on the ranch and "now" they are 20 25 30 more but doing their thing still. I wonder slowly I feel like such a loser when in fact I'm right there! Keep keeping on! If you dont that when you fail! No sooner- a couple back steps are just that -dust yourself off and get back in the game! Life is wonderful! And so worth it. Sorry for the kafkaesque ramblings I've been posting from celly. I will put some thought and effort into it tomorrow :0)

Day 3 so Tim McGraw and angelina jolie got me through tonight

2010-11-30T22:16:00.000-08:00

What a combination. It started with Tim McGraw... why we said goodbye. Then an all out YouTube marathon video of TM. came across I NEED YOU . wow! That's the immense and deep love everyone wants. Loved it! Live it! Stayed home tonight, no gym , dinner with kids, and some more new laptop- iTunes update. Finished off with THE CHANGELING. WOW! Still pissed but will make it through. I guess this movie meant so deeply to my son Ryan for the difficult plight this mother endures for her son. Got my new journal BL calories and gym notes one place. SimPlify! Okay so it's been a 2am for 3 days straight...I'm out! I'm good!!! PEACE

DAY 2 ... BACK 2 GOOD

2010-11-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

I came across a song by Matchbox 20 that I found quite interesting and fitting at this time where I am trying to get back to good. One verse he says he doesnt know how to get back 2 good... I feel like that at times i feel like I'm and confused and unable to get back to my plight. I know one thing is that I still have the desire to change things and keep on fighting and because of that I know I can. I pulled up the last couple episodes of Biggest Loser which I have missed and its all the ammunition I needed. The feelings, the reality of it all just was so heart wretching real that it pulls me in. It pulls me to continue to overcome, to keep fighting. This is not easy, it never has and you must keep reminding yourself of the reason, of the motivation, or the YOU, you want to find. I am immensly motivated by the strength of the human spirit, the sheer will to survive, overcome and endure. I am a WARRIOR!!! above all. Today spin kicked my butt. I didnt really want to go, i was justifying any reason to get me out of a grueling workout I so desperately needed. Even Chris told me "wow, mom you havent gone to the gym in a while". Yeah, I know! i drove in the direction of Golds and as soon as I got to the corner i turned and in my mind was excusing myself with the "mommy syndrome" you know the one that you feel guilty about doing something for yourself instead of the kids, the house, the laundry, the dinner...and I had to literally pull myself out of that and turn the truck around and go to spin class. It was a perfect day to stay home, cold and wet and my 40 year old right knee was complaining. Yep! It had been a while.

I am glad i went. It kicked my butt, but I went and stayed. No excuses! Keep it up! I love the quote by Bob Harper...."Stand up and Finish what you started!"....

its a daily struggle, but I have to get Back 2 Good, reteach myself what I already know and do it! As I pedaled I repeated my mantra "Never give up" "Keep Focused". I truly needed that today. I guess I must be happy with my accomplishments and remember its those little steps, those little victories that lead up to the big ones. Stay focused! Keep the pace and celebrate!

the whole purpose of the mention of this song was in regards to my inner self doubt... and yet right now I can't seem to find the relevance, rather the challenge. I am going to get BACK 2 GOOD.

welcome back to my life

2010-11-28T16:07:00.000-08:00

its been awhile... i could carry on with Staind verse, but i rather adjust my mindset and be positive :0) The whole point is getting back to where i was. Feeling and knowing I was a WINNER, a champion, I had overcome, I had won, I was on top of it all and in control. Sadly, I am not sure how i got diverted and ended up back at that dark hole of misery i once was helplessly trapped in with no bright lights at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. I know and now recognize that it started in August with the failing health of my grandfather and eventual immenent passing that commenced this downfall. I was already iffy in July with the year mark of my success, restless and impatient to hit the next mark without the immediate result i wanted and interpreting it as failure, a feeling that was so foreign to me now. Far from the glorious moments, and daily vindication of onlookers who applauded my victory, I then resorted to hidden patterns of desperation which lead to unhealthy habits and a barrage of self criticism, incompetance and confusion. Having to admit i somehow gained 15, 20, 25 lbs was spirit breaking.

Unbeknowst to those around me, my previous cheerleaders, my coworkers, my siblings, the supportive spousal unit, and even my kids noone noticed the moment I changed back to the old me. In retrospect, I should of been able to recognize it myself alot sooner, but the power that emotions have on the body play immense role in health or detriment. Thats why the Biggest Loser series deals with not only the physical torment which each participant goes through, but the emotional, psychological awakening that must occur to change the long embedded cycle of failure.

I remember the seeing the hands over the ears as I screamed to Gaby and her facial expressions and mumbling of contemptiousness growing clearer and clearer. I unworthingly accepted the condolescent kisses of my son Chris who wise beyond his years was attempting to heal me when i couldnt do it for myself. Even the fairest man who kindly protects and caresses my heart,the one who attempts to calm my storm and ease my pain was without a clue on how to fix this one; stood patiently and unworthingly recieved the wrath of my despondent soul. The quiet and innocent receiptant of my bitter deameanor. I echoed my discontentment and confused spirit so vilely that I couldn't see that I was back to where i started, pass to where i started. Because now I knew better.

Its been 2 months since my grandfather passed and I can now recognize that it was what seemed to have rattled that deep down place where I had sorted all out once before. MY inner being who had overcome the guilt, the unworthiness, the shame, the anger the pain was all reopened and my ego could not take having to encounter it yet again. The feeling came roaring back in so many dimensions and directions that I didnt see it coming or imagined its consequence. I feel into the trap of trying to solve it all, and wanting to be in the midst of the solution, wanting not to spare a moments waste at any cost literal, emotional, and physical.

I learned my place and the quiet satisfaction of realizing only later that I was holding his hand at the very beginning of this ordeal and held it at the very last. At the hospital, the day of his diagnosis, I cuddled his warm, wrinkled hands, that pressed against mine in gratitude of a friendly face who accepted his pride, who didnt look at him with pity rather immense respect, who ignored his vulnerability, his fear and uncertainty. I talked and held his hand and retold old stories and jokes that my heart pretended to heal as the stitches were to his forehead. For 7 weeks i visited, and observed, and laughed, and took pictures as if this would somehow lessen the blow that was about to occur. But at the end, the very end, the peace, tranquility and his final heart beats I, too felt as I held his hand one last time and realized, I was holding it at the very end as well.

I visited my unconsolable grandmother who mentioned him as her life long companion such with such veneration that touched me so deeply. Can you truly love like this? Can you feel pain like this? Can you survive this loss? Her dear and sadden eyes were too much to bear. I enjoyed the brief company of my sister who had her own feelings to resolve. I saw my mother become her oldself briefly -in the days leading up to his passing, planning and taking care of matters as she had always done until she too was ridden was an unforgiving disease. She quickly reverted back to her weakened and fragile state and continues to do so up to today. I took pictures, was given many, and exchanged communications with many who I don't see often and will seeeven less. The feelings are geniune but the time and commitment to your own immediate family life are unforgiving.

It happened- the sadness, and guilt crept up again. I reasoned that if I was able bodied to spend this time and energy with my dying grandfather and then lonely and sad grandmother now- what about my own mother, who dwells on her condition far greater than most and is locked in the downward spiral of denial rather than the solution. I don't know why I allowed to happened, but I did. I am amazed at the human spirit of endurance and strength. I admire people who overcome and triumph. I had experienced it, I had lived, I had fought for it with tears, and sweat, and pain. I had fought for it, why does she NOT. The one you love with all your being and you can't understand the detachment from acceptability, and responsability. My unrealistic desire to change the inevitable. My need for her to experience a life change as I did. My guilt that I overcame and she cannot.

The okays you keep telling yourself, the "its okay" and "tomorrow" and "next week" and "but I feel sad" and all the other bullshit you justify your bad choices with are weakness and acceptance that its okay to give up. To give in to the pity and self-loathing. I had inched up week after week the 2-3 lbs I was use to losing, I was gaining now. I hated that I couldnt fit into my size 8 skinny jeans and the bulge along my waist was getting more than just a pinch. I hated that the scale was accusing me when my mind and soul was condoning my appaling behavior.

I ate without regards to what I knew, I ate in response to anger, pain, guilt and unhappiness. I didnt follow my regimen of exercise or healthy habits. I went for the quick fix, the fast foods were the immediate solution, the late treats were the salve. The scale is unforgiving and the soul is the accusatory where knowledge and wisdom fail to reason with the obvious. Not even when I had to break down and buy a size 12 pants again for a meeting which I swore I would never do. The point came after one of "my episodes" I was hungry from eating horribly and waiting way too long to plan what I was doing, I walked in to a grocery store and walked and walked around and found myself totally lost in mind and spirit. I just walked up and down the aisle as if between the oreo's and poptarts I was going to find the solution to my hunger, anger, and discontentment. I knew I had hit the bottom, in 50 lbs less, but 30 lbs more than I had been able to accomplish.

As it stands now I weight 189 having been at 159. Yes a whooping 30 lbs more. A sad fact that I had to face straight on. It made me go back to the very start and pull out the Tosca Reno's. I treasured these as the weight loss secret bible. The journal I so religioiusly inputed every single morsel of what i ate and how i fully committed to being healthy in mind and body. I wrote of my feelings and accomplishments in clothing and settling the demons that abated my peace. I once again must follow the path that brought me resolution and tranquility. That took off the fat and weight and disatisfaction. I must once again learn to judge my steps and intentions in this battle. I must seize every moment to accomplish the task at hand and only then I can acclaim the victory. I can reclaim my P.E.A.C.E. emotionally, and physically.

I pick this avenue once again to voice my inner quest for absolute happiness, is there such a thing?... well, all I can be sure of is that. I do not have it now, but I have regained the WILL to change the will to stand up again and face the things i hate and the things i want to change, and the strength that I must regain. It will be a hard battle, but I am willing yet again to be a WINNER. soon enough.

The spiritual side, wow! that is a whole other story for another day.

2010-08-11T17:10:00.001-07:00

Dinner

2010-08-11T17:09:00.007-07:00

And this

2010-08-11T17:09:00.005-07:00

And this

2010-08-11T17:09:00.003-07:00

Breakfast

2010-08-11T17:09:00.001-07:00

And this

2010-08-11T17:08:00.001-07:00

Lunch on Monday was this

2010-08-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

This .... Breakfast lunch and 2 snacks 1000 calories

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2010-04-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

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2010-04-18T10:43:00.001-07:00

My next challenge

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2010-04-18T10:08:00.001-07:00

Egg whites leftover veggies from last night turkey bacon, whole wheat english muffin- (ew- 50 cal. 0 fat, tb- 50 cal 1.5 fat, em- 100 cal, 1 g fat, veggies- 30, 0fat brunch total- 230 calories- 20 cal for LF creamer and coffee- 250 calories yum

P.E.A.C.E.

2010-03-31T15:33:00.001-07:00

The essentials I learned and practice for weightloss! You have to discover P.E.A.C.E. -
P- priority.
E- eat healthy.
A- accountability.
C- consistency.
E- eliminate excuses.
About 2 months ago.
I was asked to do a testimonial before the spin class and knowing how I can drag on and on... I made up this simple method to simplify what I learned to be the most important in this struggle. Keep it simple.
First learn to make yourself a priority. Give yourself, food preparation, and exercise the importance required. Eating: I learned if I was eating alot less- I must INCREASE THE QUALITY. I have a saying: now I eat with quality, not quantity in mind. Smaller, colorful, savory, healthy portions. Accountability: keep a food journal, you can find at barnes and noble (these have great tips and inspirational quotes to keep you focused) or a plain small notebook will suffice. You can track yor daily calorie intake. It is very easy to consume 2000+ calories on a burger, fries, apple pie, and coke @ lunch. Watch out for those lattes and whipped concoctions= sugar and fat.
Probably the most important, I learned was consistency: eat, sleep, exercise regularly. Develop a schedule to prepare your next days food cooler, get to the gym without fail. I remember in my testimonial- I said " I rememeber that when I started the gym, I remember thinking - those skinny bi.... I bet they never had a kid, I bet you they starve themselves, they have a fast metabolism", but what I discovered was that day after day I realized those skinny bi... were there every day regularly, every time i was there, they were there, doing there thing to stay in shape and look good. Drink water everyday. Finally eliminate excuses- eliminate negativity and find every reason to be healthy and live longer for yourself and loved ones. Research information and inspiration from positive people who keep you motivated. Be prepared with a gym bag and a healthy food cooler everyday. PEACE

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2010-03-28T15:18:00.001-07:00

Today's borrowed company slogan: Hellmann's -- "BRING OUT THE BEST" . This is an excellent one for every aspect of our life. Are you bringing out the best? Whether in work or personal affairs we must strive to achieve the best of our ability. Becoming overweight did not happen overnight... It took many, many moments of not making the BEST choices whether in foods or activities. Now is the time to make a choice to Bring out YOUR best. Any effort and sacrifice towards the improvement of health and weightloss is priceless in the long run. The contentment of reaching your goals is an awesome pay off. Bring out your best and enjoy your BEST LIFE.

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2010-03-27T11:12:00.001-07:00

Today's- copied company slogan is going to be from Cadence:
"How big can you dream" do you need to lose weight, 5, 10, 20, or more. The first step is having the idea of something, then enforcing it. Make the preparation needed to accomplish your task. Remove temptation. Replace with healthy options. Keep active. Keep focused on your goal.

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2010-03-26T14:45:00.001-07:00

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2010-03-22T12:31:00.001-07:00

Bulgur wheat w soy added veggies and edamame

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2010-03-18T09:53:00.001-07:00

6 Weight-Loss Tricks That Don’t Involve Dieting or (Much) Exercise on Yahoo! Health

2010-03-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

6 Weight-Loss Tricks That Don’t Involve Dieting or (Much) Exercise on Yahoo! Health

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2010-03-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

At the rodeo woohoo

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2010-03-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

Number 4

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2010-03-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

And the 3rd gorgeous daughter...

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2010-03-11T13:40:00.000-08:00

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2010-03-11T13:39:00.000-08:00

She is taller than me ... Tatiana age 13

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2010-03-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

Lunch....yum!!!!!

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2010-03-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

This is ridiculous- has to be at least 1000 calories- charleys got my order grilled cheesesteak wrong and I was handed this- I admit it tried a couple and the salty cheese sauce with the refreshing ranch dressing and crunchy bacon fit in for a sinfully perfect combination. no wonder over 62% of our American population is overweight. Self control was in order!!!! OMG

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2010-03-10T15:58:00.000-08:00

way to go me!!! I am going GREEN

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2010-03-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

I should of stopped at one... But how could I... Decisions decisions

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2010-03-06T16:07:00.000-08:00

The girls out to the mall

2010-03-04T14:30:00.001-08:00

lentil soup, meigouzi, the gabster jumprope for heart, and asparagus

2010-03-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

my lentil soup

chris and meigouzi

jumprope for heart- gaby came in first place for all 4th grade - 6minutes total. She redeemed herself from her 2nd place spot last year. She has THE focus of an marathoner, the soul of a good friend, the competitive spirit of an athlete.

She shared with me (secretly and quiet proudly) : "the best part about it was beating ( __)" Who sat there smuck as Gaby was getting cheered on by others. She asked me to remove the post from my facebook where one of her best friends parents would see this because she didnt want her friend to be hurt further for not being able to do more than a minute. She came home hunting for food-(carbohydrates) like a champion training for tomorrow's marathon. Gaby has the sheer commitment and dedication that makes me proud. It amazes me that she could exhibit these qualities at this early age. I told her that by the time she is a teenager i could see her doing a marathon. She has already done a 5k. Girls on the Run- on November 15th 2009. Go Gaby Go. !!!

the after grub

and after a race, there is nothing more luxurious than ___ (fill in the blank.... anything is suitable to fall asleep)

My asparagus... just found a easy recipe on Simply RECIPES.

masala and methi khakhra

2010-03-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

I love this - 100% veg. I was turned on to this by a veg. Coworker who we tease as eating rabbit food everyday. Thanks Bina! I really love it. A nice crispy addition to salad, hummus, or lentil soup.

some of my favorites

2010-03-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

What I throw in my smoothies or protein shakes

premixed seasonings

2010-03-04T08:45:00.000-08:00

Some of my easiest "pre mixed" seasonings

What do YOU eat?

2010-03-04T06:35:00.000-08:00

Many people ask me, "what do eat?". Some request a list of what i eat to imitate. Others, i believe, think that there is some secret I must of found along this journey. Well, here is my big secret- that there is no secret. Magazine after magazine, book after book, article after article, I find that the information is the same. You must eat quality, nutritional food, lower your calorie intake, watch your fat intake and voila the pounds will fall off. Period.

Exercise is the plus. It gives me a greater sense of accomplishment and a focus that strenghtens me from within.

Do I ever eat treats?... Heck yeah! I have my treats, it gives me a FEELING of excitement and danger to round off the otherwise strict routine that i have set up for myself. I endulged yesterday in some "low fat" brownies, yeah right!. I have found that the trick is SUBSTITUTIONS. You substitute a healthy, or healthier choice, rather than one that just adds fat, calories, and guilt. My favorite treat comes in a little silver wrapper has 140 calories, 2.5 grams of fat and is round, dark chocolate and filled with a peppermint filling. PEPPERMINT PATTY. yuMMY!

You have to eat foods you like and love. You learn to season your food and prepare them to look appetizing and inviting. I repeat, as I have said many times,

when you limit the amount of food you consume, you must increase the quality

Most importantly I have found that if you increase the effort in preparation and presentation, you will enjoy it so much more. On Mondays and Thursdays that I work from home, my good ole fashioned oatmeal or grits is serving on a colorful plate. Therefore, my breakfast of 150-250 calories i worthy of a 4 **** setting. Remind yourself that you are so worth any money, sacrifice, and effort you put into losing and maintaining weight loss.

I am still having problems getting my daily veggie intake and looking into the consumption of V8 and odwalla drinks to assist me in getting my DV. As with everything that I am interested in, I take the obsessive approach: purchase books, research material and surf the web for information on the subject. I need to set up a routine as much as I hate the word- I repeat i must set up a routine for cooking. My paternal grandmother, when she cooked herself years ago, use to have a weekly schedule, not something she wrote out, but if you visited her on mondays, lentils, white rice, pork chops, and a green salad would be served. Tuesday was spaghetti with a carrot and red beet salad mix. Wednesday would be "7-layer" soup, and so on. This was a routine I admired, but dreaded repeating. Now I find that there is so much wisdom with it. I must accomplish a better routine with my family and the dinner schedule. Just as my routine of gym visits and following tosca Reno's cooler plan has ensured my success in losing and maintaining my weight loss. A better routine of preparation and planning in my families dinner will share the same accomplishments with my son, daughter and husband.

NOW TO THE ORIGINAL NOTE OF DAILY MENU:

BREAKFAST- my new morning staple:

grits with a poached or hardboiled egg and hot sauce, baby!!

instant grits- quick, filling- (real filling will hold you to lunch if needed)

my mid morning or afternoon snack or treat. substitutions a small substitution as low sugar jelly CAN take off hundreds of calories a week.

this is my CELEBRATION to my hubby- he took it upon himself to buy the FAT FREE SKIM MILK. We have done 2% milk since the kids turned 2 years old and I have snuck in 1% with a usual -- UGH from the kids and hubby... I ussually get a half gallon of SKIM for myself, but so excited to find he did this without my prodding. Good job honey!!!. The creamer is my new yummy of the a.m. Skinny vanilla latte- FAT FREE, 1tbsp: 30 calories, 0 fat, 6 sugars. Obviously, the trick is to not add sugar when preparing coffee. If you do a flavored creamer SKIP the sugar. I HAVE NOT HAD REFINED WHITE SUGAR SINCE JUNE '09

this is my new evening treat, when i want to ravege the kitchen cupboard in need of some comfort food, the warmth of a hot cup of tea- does the trick. Its filling and rewarding. Herbal tea is no calories, filling, and relaxing.

I post this because i am seeing more and more people eat this as a so-called "healthy" addition to lunch or breakfast. This tub IS NOT HEALTHY... WITH 380 calories and 32 g of FAT (49% of calories from FAT) this should as all peanut butter used sparingly. I may eat one slice of wheat toast with a teaspoon of peanut butter after a hard workout.

the wisest suggestions I have learned and followed:

1) JOURNAL FOOD INTAKE
2) READ LABELS

With all the "low calorie" fuss nowadays- its shocking to me that these companies get through the red tape with these bogus titles. Low calorie foods are mistaken for an invitacion to eat more of them. Be careful. Have you noticed the size of the 100 calorie snack?... Dear lord, you cant survive on that. Its the same fat laden snacks but with a jip of only 4 cookies or 4 small muffins... Whatever !

Find the healthier alternative to these EXPENSIVE jips.... i love cookies... I have found i am happy with Fig newtons as an alternative. I love reese's pieces and reese's cup.... replaced nowadays with my steal deal at WALMART DEAL of 2/ $1.00 of my beloved pp.

i'm outta here.

find your passions, follow it, clear your mind, be healthy, be happy.... peace !

Two Simple Ways to Be a Happier Parent on Yahoo! Health

2010-03-04T05:51:00.000-08:00

Two Simple Ways to Be a Happier Parent on Yahoo! Health

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I haven't been sentimental lately... thanks sunshine for brightening up my day, i SURE NEEDED IT

2010-02-25T09:54:00.000-08:00

so it started late last night, somewhere between the physical pain from my sore knees and the exhaustion of my soul. That time of day when my head wants to rest its weary head on my pillow to find its peace and tranquility and then its cruely reminded of how incomplete my life is without knowledge if my oldest has eaten today, does he have any help with his homework, what clothes did he where today to school?, and the answer of the question that lingers in my soul daily... does he need me? Does he miss me, as much as I miss him?

I sent one of those self pity text reminders of only contacting me when he needs money or when he has a subject that I am so far removed from that he only wants my reaction rather than my input.

This morning I get a response of a quote of 'to one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible"

then i miss ya mom is what he wrote. to this my strength weakens and my heart crumbles

i respond.only by faith have i beeb able withstand my life going on without being able to see, smell, or touch you every day. Only by faith i ccalm my sadden soul when it wants to wallow in self pity of its loss. Only by faith, does my memories reminds my heart of all its triumphs of homework, and field trips, and class activities, and talks at midnight rather that the missed proms, and plays, outings and 10th grade and 11th grade, and senior year I wish I could savor each second together. Only by faith... does my pride dry the tears of hurt and pain from your absence, only by faith does my body heal from the immense sadness that destroys me within. Only by faith, does my spirit continue to bear and sustain itself by sheer FAITH that one day, one day.... you will return to me... to us.

and he replys.

The wind blows memories across the land. Only a memory of a child's hand. Your tears fill a pool of forgotten hugs and kisses. Awaiting till the sun dries it all and the wind stops and the child's hand in yours that he misses. Those needing eyes and wanting mind, naive and curious. Running into a cave hoping there will be light. He doesn't cry anymore. He has become numb to the world. But everyday he triesw to soar. This evil and cruel world where there is no one to trust. But he has turned his back on those who truely love him. Those who will never leave he has taken for granted. Heartbroken of his sins and family abandoned. he will try to make them proud, not by grades or money but by independence, how? He will follow his dreans an dtake on the teams of demons who seem to grant his wishes and satisfy pleasures and will his dishes and he will take on measures and scores of locked doors in attempt to prove he can make it. A simple life is how he lives. A modes proposal is his wish. Help me and i'll be back. Give me more time, let my work react and soon i will be in your arms and i'll be crying and you'll be laughing and chickachop will be flexing and primo will be smiling, and gaby will be singing, and chris will be falling, and trey will be working, and aaron will be eating and tio will be drinking, and lita will be cooking, and lito will be preaching and tias will be crazy, and you will be talking and ii won't be listening and i will be home again and in the end nothing has changed.

wow... deep huh?

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2010-02-25T09:25:00.000-08:00

Two of the ladies I love most in my life

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I have many incomplete tasks in my life. Some that i will openly admit too, like weight issues, home organizational duties, and spirituality. Others that are deeply hidden, never to be shared with others due to a sense of vulnerability, shame, and inadequacy. These will die in my grave unless they come to fruition. I have never considered myself a procrastinator, rather I have come to admit that my "procrastinator in denial" selftitled is still just that. PROCRASTINATION of something needing to be completed.

It seems that I have the so called "ah-ha" moments at rather odd times in my life. Like this weekend, when i realized after so many compliments and kind words of congratulations that I am so ready to complete my uncompleted tasks in my life. That I am so worth it and ready to break through anything that has stumped me in the past and stopped me from doing what I want to do and am smart enough to do. I realized that I have things I want to accomplish. I have dreams and goals and tasks that I want to get to and places I want to be at that have eluded me thusfar. I have struggled with deep rooted guilt towards my lack of spirituality and commitment to the most High. I have been troubled by my lack of discipline in some of the most essential things in my life and I am admitting it and facing it. My youngest brother encouraged me regarding my creative side which I view as a hobby rather than a business opportunity. What I considered a minor and matter of fact project that I was constructing at the party in my eyes and compared as to what others viewed as amazing and far greater, I must admit now, to have a onsite, up to date, up to hour type of gift, with pictures of things going on present my even confuse the keenest of minds.

Many realized only with further detailed examination that the pictures were from the "actual event" taking place at the moment not from previous pictures. Yeah, that is quite remarkable thank you to my handy dandy $29.00 printer and my hubbys $50.00 pocket for the ink cartridge and paper pack- I just needed to have a that precise moment.

I also realized that I am deeply motivated by peoples' awareness of being healthy, eating right, and commitment to selfimprovement. I want to become a certified personal trainer and share... ok i admit....I want to PREACH what i have learned and how its changed me and YOU too can do it.

I have still other things regarding education and career goals. But today I can face it. Today I can choose to make a difference. Today, I made a start. TODAY i CHOOSE TO look at shame and inadequacy in the eyes and make the call. Today I started with my unfinished tasks and said.... I can and I will do it. With my accomplishment of weight loss I realize if I overcame the TOUGHEST battle in life... which was being overweight... and very overweight if I may add and learned how to battle it, combat it, and be on the winning side...physically, mentally and emotionally... all the other tasks seemeed so much simpler. TODAY, I made the call, today, I made the commitment, and today, I humbled myself and just held my head high... okay i mumbled a little bit and didnt look anyone in the face, but I made the step and will do it. Other things I did today were far more embarressing and trivial as they may seem to others-- for me they were major. Today, I can do anything I set my mind and heart too. And today.... I will list my unaccomplished goals and accomplish them one step by one step.... and will share in a little time longer when all is said and done. I saw it in my mind and the celebration at the time of fruition. So until then my lips are sealed and yet filled with the happiness of taking a step forward.

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Another great article

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http://www.goldsgym.com/healthy/newsletter/2008-07/gym-myths-busted.php

the million $$$ answer to the question..."tremayne, so what do you think about your wife?"

2010-02-08T14:41:00.000-08:00

So, the biggest question he has been asked recently has been... "what do you think of your "new and improved wife?"... he tells me on the way home... I don't know if it was appropriate to answer to everyone but all I wanted to say was....

"She lost the weight for her, I just reaped the rewards".

.... yeah that is my husband, honesty to the core
How I feel about my husband... and our 13 years together...

My husband is a quiet, loyal, hardworking man. He thinks before he speaks, is kind hearted and selfless. He has been my comfort in my hardest trials and wisdom in
times of doubt. He has carried me through times of distress and panic and never let me whallow in pity or defeat. He shows his caring and soft side when I need it most. He is my accomplice in our weekly Saturday a.m. gossip sessions in bed and the keeper of secrets of my most vulnerable issues. He keeps our family together firmly with patience, realism, and dedication. For all those things that words cannot describe what you mean to me. I thank you. I give you my love, my admiration, my heart to take care of and my life to share.

Did I mention, he is a quiet man... After dancing one song the whole evening, missing the family picture because of running to walmart to get me a new printer cartridge for my onsite project at the party, standing and observing peacefully in the farthest corner of the room. Doesn't even drink a light beer or groove more than a finger tapping gesture to the irresistible beat of Billie Jean and He says to me on the way home... " that was a great party, that was the best family party I have been too". This cracks me up. Honey, I love you more than you can even imagine.

Happy Early Anniversary-- April 2nd 1997

some recent pictures

2010-01-27T19:52:00.001-08:00

some recent pictures

Fat is not pretty

2010-01-27T19:38:00.001-08:00

My brother Jorge sent me this... and labeled it Wow!

i replied with this.

2010-01-24T09:59:00.001-08:00

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/drmao/23125/soup-therapy-detoxify-lose-weight-and-boost-immunity

2010-01-23T09:39:00.000-08:00

Nice!!! Zumba, spin, and power... Now For some nurouishment- egg whites, grits, grilled chicken fillet, tomatoes slices, and a slice of wheat toast with my hubby. Yummy